Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Angry Bird They Never Talk About

It is a privilege for me here at Ramblings of an Undiagnosed Mad Woman to introduced another fellow blogger and crazy person to my audience, Terrye over at The Adventures of a Misplaced Alaskan. Today she has taken over my blog. Tomorrow she might take over the world. To guarantee your safety, you might want to check out her blog (after you are finished here of course) and give her some loving. She promised she wouldn't "BAAAAA" at anyone if I sent them her way!
baa, sheep, farmer sex

Every family has at least one that no one dares talk or even think about. Some of them have spent years in the dankest jail and when they get out, they are continued to be shunned by their very embarrassed family. 

Others are just a little too weird for polite society and are locked away in the basement or attic when company comes over to keep the wackos from drooling on traumatized guests. Only to be allowed to roam on special occasions like Halloween and Stacy’s birthday.

Birthday, birthday cake, happy birthday picture
Only on Halloween and my birthday
 are the Crazies allowed to come
out and play.

Who are they? 

The notorious black sheep of the family. Even the Angry Birds have a one they never, ever talk about. But I’m going to introduce you to the bane of the Angry Birds family. 

Meet Chartreuse Bird. And he is one bad hombre! What has Chartreuse Bird (CB) done that is so heinous and God awful that the mere mention of his name sends Bomb Bird to implode and Red Bird to start quacking like a duck?

little green bird, angry birds, pervert angry bird
Introducing CB. He may look cute and innocent,
 but believe he is not
Well, rumor has it that a number of years ago, CB was vacationing in the faraway lands of Great Britain. While he was taking in the glorious sights of romantic castles, the stunning White Cliffs of Dover, and lifting a pint or twelve, he was introduced to the local custom of sheep molestation using goat intestines as condoms. What else is there to do in the small town of Goat Nutsack, England?

He became so obsessed with mistreating the local soft and fluffy livestock that the local authorities had to take immediate action. The sheep were offended at being violated while sleep deprived humans lay there trying to count them hurdling fallen logs. The goats were appalled that their trusted farmhands let slip the ancient secret and that their numbers were quickly being decimated. After all, it’s usually customary to remove the intestines from the goat before crafting a condom, unless you’re a little slow and the goat is more than willing to act as your surrogate. Something had to be done about CB; he was neither slow nor allowing anyone to step in for him.
sheep in high heels, dirty sheep, pervert sheep, sheep in sexy clothing
Nothing says loving more than a sheep in sexy clothing.

Notices were placed in the papers and plastered on sides of buildings, begging for a savior or at least someone ballsy enough to step forth and end the evil scourge let loose upon the land by CB. Hefty rewards were offered. When no one came forth, the rewards were doubled and then tripled to no avail. The frightened farm animals cowered and waited. And waited and cowered. Then cowered and waited some more. Eventually, there were so few goats left that they were taken away in unmarked cattle haulers and placed into the ultra-secret Goat Protective and Dry-cleaning Service.

beer, miller lite, bottle beer
There's no crying in beer!
No really, it makes it taste bad!
With all the goats safely relocated, the sheep soon discovered to their amazement, that they were no longer being mistreated while entertaining lonely insomniacs. The ewes and rams alike let out a collective sigh of relief. Life slowly returned to normal for the sheep. The farmhands, however, spent more time in the local pubs, crying into their ale, singing songs of mourning for their missing goat friends, and retelling the horrors of the now infamous Chartreuse and very Horny Bird.

Foreigners on holiday in the lovely town of Goat Nutsack might balk at the tall tales of a crazed and Angry Bird occasionally spotted performing random acts of bestiality upon hapless quadrupeds. But the locals are quick to whip out volumes and volumes of photographic, if not p0rnographic evidence. Many a tourist has lost their lunch when presented with the overwhelming and stomach churning proof.

Some believe that CB eventually returned to his home with the rest of the Angry Birds to wreck havoc upon the snarky, smiling green pigs. Others believe that CB is actually hiding among the pigs and that’s the incident that originally sparked the hostility between birds and pigs.  The Angry Birds wish to punish CB for his indiscretions while the pigs, being piggish, chortle and steal eggs.

angry birds, green pig, red bird,

No one outside of the Angry Birds is privy to what incited the greatest feud since the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s. And if anyone does know, they aren’t talking. They are probably scared to death that CB will show up on their doorstep late one night with a bawling goat tucked under his arm and a smarmy smile on his bright yellowish green lips, holding a sheep costume in their size.

Now there is only one last thing to say, after reading about this controversial topic brought to you by Terrye over at The Misplaced Alaskan.... Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow... when I resume my normal blog of crazy!


  1. Thank you for allowing me to spread my mayhem all over your lovely blog. :)

  2. Hhaha. Your humor and level of writing here is awesome. I will also never think of angry birds in the same way again. LOL

  3. I'll look at the English countryside much differently on future trips. NIce one Terrye!

  4. Terrye (and Stacy, too), thanks for the laugh today and promise I will still love both of you tomorrow!! :)

  5. That was a bunch of mayhem everywhere!!! Terrye u may just have to clean it up for Stacy!

  6. Who knew such a backstory? Terrye - you are one of a kind!

  7. Haha!!You have a wild imagination, Terrye! And those heels on the sheep are just so wrong!


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