Killing the Muse Inside

Thinking. Sometimes we think to much!

There is so many things going on inside my head right now. It is making me just want to scream and show the world how truly crazy I really am. Yet, I have killed my muse, and for very good reason I must add.

We have all heard of the saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

That is partially why I choose to remain quiet. I have things on my mind, but I can't say them. I need to keep my opinions to myself. These thoughts and ramblings are boiling over in my mind and causing some great anxiety. One of these days someone is going to ask the right question and everything that I have been holding back is going to come spilling out.

I am warning you - I am like a zit that is ready to pop!

So as I sit, I think. This is dangerous. And I started thinking about all those things that are killing my own personal muse. I am sure other writers out there might be able to relate. Or maybe I am in my own personal hell trying to keep my mouth shut.

School. School is killing me. Not just my muse, but me in general. I want to quit. I am not sure I can do it anymore. Yet, guilt is a sharper knife. If I breach the subject, I am told that the benefits far outweigh the pain I am currently going through. After all, when I am done, I will have my bachelor's degree. I will never again have to return to this hell hole of education again. I am smart enough. I can do it. If I keep saying it, I might actually believe it. The reality is I rather stab myself in the eye and twist it instead of reading these damn textbooks which only serve one purpose - to give me a nap after many nights of insomnia and nightmares. The same goes for the endless number of research papers I have to write that seems to pose no educational benefits other than seeing if you can properly write in APA format and find someone of experience to have said the words you want to say so you can quote them. School is the only place I can think of where you can't be smart enough to have your own thoughts. Cite everything and anything. Only subject matter experts can say something and not be questioned. I guess school is not for the opinionated and those who are educated by their experiences and not just on the words of those around us.

Work. This is a topic that I can't talk about. It's a digital footprint which leads directly back to me. If I say something offensive, this leads directly back to my job and my career. It makes me wonder if I can really say anything at all. I am judged, as an entire person. This person outside of work is not necessarily the same one that is at work. Maybe it is better to just know one and not both of these individuals. The work me is nothing like the me you might see here ready to lose her shit. As I was sitting at a meeting the other day, I realized that while I follow policy and rules, when they are brought up I like to question them. It is the devil's advocate in me. The reality is a business is a business. If they were a person with feelings, those feelings would interfere with the major thing that will make a business successful - money. It's nothing personal, but for me, I like to question why. If I were to question it, well, the consequences might not be very good.

Life. My therapist told me that if I ever felt my anxiety building up, to think of a place that I could go to in my head. That is supposed to calm me down and make me feel better. I have this place. I call it Serenity Beach. It doesn't work. Maybe it is because my brain wiring is all jacked up. I have a million thoughts going through my head all at once and so my peaceful place is being interwoven with my idiosyncrasies which make me who I am. They don't work nicely together. I have a million things floating around in my head right now... most of which I can't say out in polite society.

The reality is, these three factors are killing my muse. The funny thing is, I have never been so amped up to talk in my entire life. I just feel like I have a gag order on the line right now. Therefore... it is just best sometimes to stay silent and let the voices in my head do all the talking.

I need a 27 hour day

Sometimes, this is how I feel!

I have been gone lately. Maybe you have noticed. It isn't that I have given up on writing, I just haven't had the time. Returning to school has taken up a big portion of my time, and when I am done, it leaves my brain in a cramped up state I can't seem to even come up with the right words to put down on the screen.

I seem to be wearing too many hats lately. I am a busy body, so it isn't like I am not used to running myself past the point of exhaustion. However, lately I have been more exhausted than usual. My therapist has stated my exhaustion is stemming from the need to control EVERYTHING. Maybe she is right.

School is just one of the many hats that I wear. I am also a wife, a mother and a taxi cab driver. With my two oldest children back in school, I have now needed to get back into a schedule. There isn't an available bus system, and since my oldest daughter has moved into middle school, it also means I have to get all the kids up and ready and in the car to drive her across the city. It's only 3 miles and it takes about 30 minutes out of my morning. I am not really complaining. It is minor.

I am also attempting to work on my second book. By attempting, I more or less mean I have been actively thinking about it. I haven't had the time to work on it. I will happily say I seemed to have thought of an awesome plot twist. However, my excitement still hasn't provided the drive to actually write it yet.

I have also wanted to take more time to work on my blog. But every single time I think about writing a blog, I can't seem to find anything I want to write about. I want it to be passionate. Yet, I find myself filled with so much anger lately that I don't want to pass on my negativity to others. That leaves for many blank pages.

I have been told I need to relax. To maybe even lose control a little bit. Sadly though, I don't think that is part of my personality. I am being pulled into so many directions I am not even sure I am capable of accomplishing one thing. I feel responsible for the state of my house, for my homework, for my lack of being able to keep up with other writer's in my network. I have yet to set up what I needed to so I can actively promote my book. I published a book, but being unable to actively get it in the hands of the readers, I feel like I have failed.

To make matters even more complicated, I am attempting to get back to the healthy state I was in before all the medication complicated things. A couple years back, I lost 40 pounds. I was damn proud of myself. I worked hard and the hard work paid off. The medication had one very miserable side effect... it could cause weight gain. Suddenly, I find myself bloating back into my former self and can do nothing to stop it. No amount of exercise and no amount of healthy eating seems to combat the medication's effects. So I stopped taking them, but I still can't get back on track.

I have been told to ignore the numbers on the scale. Honestly, while seeing a good number on the scale is always nice, I don't care about the numbers. The problem is in my clothing... or the lack of clothing. In the process of gaining the weight back, my body has reshaped. Even my fat clothes don't fit right. I feel like I have a turtle neck of fat around my neck that is slowly choking me to death.

Ironically, I know the problem. I will never be able to get back to were I was and were I want to be until I stop stressing. But for someone who has always lived in the fast lane, how do you do that?

They say give up some of the tasks that I deem as "needed" to get done. They said to delegate some of the stressors to someone else. But how is that fair? I can't give away all my duties to sit on the couch eating bon bons while watching soap operas. Not to mention, that won't get me back on track health-wise either.

Yet, this is what I am confronted with: Making the decision of what I need to give up so I can stop stressing about everything. Or maybe, I can just get a 27 hour day.

Anonymous

It takes some real thick skin to be a writer.

My skin is not really that thick, so when I read something negative that directly impacts me, I want to go crawl in a corner and die. I try not to let it bother me. I even say it out loud, hoping it will even force me to believe it. Yet, all I am doing is lying to myself.

As I sit, these negative statements come to my mind and they make me wonder.

I wonder why?

Why did they target me?

It isn't as if I know these people. Or maybe I do. I couldn't really tell if I do if they hide behind the tag anonymous.

I have been thinking about this for the better part of a week when I came across a negative review for my book on Amazon. I took it with a grain of salt. They said it was depressing. I guess that is partially what happens when your intention is to make people cry. (And the only reason that was one of my goals was because I wanted people to feel the emotion.)

Does this look like a romance novel?
It doesn't even come close. So if that is
what you are looking for, look
somewhere else!

The first bad review made me realize people were coming to my book thinking it was going to be Harlequin Romance. Now I am not really sure why people are confusing it for romance. It is actually more of a drama with a few romantic parts possibly tossed in for good health.

Yet the part that bugs me is actually the anonymous part.

Are you to afraid to stand behind your words?

Signing something as anonymous is the cowards way of leaving a review. In fact, if you can't verify who you are, you have no right to even leave a review. I finally got over it, convincing myself that this person is entitled to hide behind their computer screen, especially since a positive review had already trumped the negative one meaning it wasn't the first thing people saw.

Call it weird, but the major reason I was concerned about the bad review was because it was the first thing everyone else would see.

Well, today, my husband messaged me. He had finally finished my book. (While he had an idea what was going on, he never read the completed version.) He even said it made him cry and he left a glowing review. (To clarify, I didn't ask him to leave a review because I thought he would be unfair. After all, his wife wrote it so chances of a bad review were slim. But he left one anyway.)

When I went to read his review, I saw another negative review.

REALLY?

This one, while at least they didn't leave an anonymous review, was just as bad. It was a personal attack, calling me "special."

So, why is it that the majority of people who leave reviews are always so negative? Why are they trying to cut down an author who has obviously put themselves out there?

At this point, it doesn't matter. I reported their feedback as inappropriate. After all, the comment they left seemed more like a personal attack and that should not be tolerated.

I swear, as a writer, a person needs thick skin.

He Forgot to Use the Safe Word!

Last week my husband and I were in Walmart picking up some medication. I had done all my research thanks to WebMD, and I was sure I was having an allergic reaction.

However, that is not necessarily what it looked like. My eye was swollen. It looked like I had been punched in the face, at least from a distance.

People were giving us strange looks. I giggled innocently as I knew my husband was probably being cursed by those who didn't have a clue what was going on. It was obvious. The look on their faces said it loud and clear.... "Really? What kind of man beats his wife and takes her out in public?"

With a face that looked like mine, I needed something to make me laugh. My husband was irritating me, constantly commenting on my inability to "leave it alone!"

Revenge was mine.

"Seriously! It is really starting to hurt. You really shouldn't hit me so hard!" I said with a smile on my face. The couple in front of us had their back turned to us, but had just given my husband the evil eye.

"Maybe next time you should learn to listen the first time."

By the time we got to the check out person, the couple in front of us was walking away as fast as they could, probably in search of a police officer to come rescue the Damsel in Distress. (Who am I kidding... this is Walmart!)

This gave us a quick laugh and we proceeded on home to lather my face with antihistamine gel. Relief was in the forcast.....

Yeah right. This is called Karma. That was last week.

The beginning of this week I started off with my left eye completely swollen shut. This was after a visit to the Urgent Care 2 days earlier and what I thought was finally the road to recovery.

I can barely see anything. My hearing is almost entirely gone as well from this severe sinus infection. With my eyesight fading, I am starting to think the only sense I might soon be left with is common sense.... and I am not entirely sure I had that to begin with.

This is obviously Karma from last week'
s short prank.

I thought it was funny. Most people should know that anybody in an actual abusive relationship, would not be in public joking about it. But maybe I shouldn't have been joking about such a serious topic anyway.

What can I say - I am an insensitive asshole. Go ahead and judge me.

This is my payback. Even though I have never been in a fight before... I look like I got a blow right to the face. My right eye is following.

Guess what, next time Karma wants to fight I am taking the first blow.

And until then, I am just going to use the excuse that my husband forgot the safe word....

Music Monday: You're so Vain

I never really considered myself a vain person. Not that I thought I was ugly or anything. But then again, who really does?

My left eye is almost
completely swollen shut. It
looks like I got into a fight!

Guess what? Lately I realized how truly vain I am...I can't stop looking in the mirror!

All it took was for me to go through some medical issue I can't explain which causes some severe rash to cover my face and swell up my eye.

Believe me, this is an improvement to the oozing scab from last week that will probably leave a permanent scar on my face.

It has already been 3 visits to Urgent Care and the doctors have no clue what is going on. I thought it was an allergic reaction. Now I just think the zombie apocalypse is starting with me!

That is why today's song that is stuck in my head for Music Monday is....

Carly Simon with "You're So Vain!"

Hope you enjoy... I am off to the Emergency Room. This really is turning out to be a crappy summer!

Music Monday: Let's Get Physical

It's been awhile since I did a Music Monday. What can I say - I have been busy and I have had way too much stuff going on.

However, I have to get this ear worm out otherwise it will continue to bug me! Therefore, this week I decided to highlight Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical" video.

Sorry for the torture, but I have a good reason.

Most people who know me, know that I am obsessed with working out. Lately, I have been slacking. It could be the medication I was prescribed. It made me very lethargic and drained every little bit of energy out of me. It sucked.

Well, over the last two months, the medicine took it's final toll on me and I gave it up. I know my body better than anybody else does and frankly, I didn't think the medication was worth the side effects. It caused me to put on close to 30 pounds.

To me, this is not only scary but downright depressing. I could actually watch the pounds crawl on. I could see my skin stretch and I could feel my clothes no longer fitting me right. Yet, it didn't matter because even if I tried to combat the problem, it didn't work.

Back in 2011, I lost 45 pounds. I have done it before and now it is time to do it again. It is time to get strict and it is time to get picky. I want to feel comfortable in my body again. So I started P90X again. I will probably be complaining about how sore I am, but it is going to be well worth it. After all, I know this program is what gave me results last time. And if I have to use this blog as a resource to stay accountable, so be it. I need to get into shape... preferable something other than round.

Welcome back Crazy Workout Lady!

I am starting the zombie apocalypse!

I just can't seem to win!

I am sick again. It seems like I have the worse immune system ever. It all started out with an allergic reaction. I have never been allergic to anything before... yet last month it started... small and itchy.

Last week it spread. 

I never learn though. I can't leave things alone. So I messed with it. I itched it. (Because it felt good. And when things itch, you scratch!)

What did I end up with... a face that looks like I was wearing glasses and got punched in the face!

I accessorized
to distract people from my face!

Don't worry. I won't show you because I don't want to scare you! Luckily it has stayed on one side of my face, so I could easily get a mask like the Phantom of the Opera.

So as if I wasn't miserable enough... then I got a cold. It started off small. A little scratchiness in my throat.

Then my voice disappeared. (No applauding - I don't talk that much!)

My noise started running. (I would run too if I had the opportunity!)

My sinuses are clogged and if I take a deep breath I seem to launch into a coughing fit!

This morning when I woke my face had scabbed over where the allergic reaction was and it was leaking, my eyes were watery and crusted shut, and I couldn't stop coughing. I felt miserable and what should be getting better each day, isn't even close to improving. (I only share this disgusting description so you too can share in my misery and feel sorry for me!)

That means there is only one logical conclusion.

The zombie apocalypse has started...              and it started with me!

Go BIG or Go Home!

I have a problem...

I usually get something set in my head and I want to do it. The problem is, I can't and won't start out small. I have to go all the way. I have to make an investment. If I don't have everything I want, I won't be a success.

I did this once with sewing. Got all the Dummy manuals, got the tomato looking pin cushion. I even asked and got a real live sewing machine for Christmas one year (which is, by the way, sitting in the box - only been used a few select times, most of which ended up being a jammed up mess!) I spent more than 100 dollars on patterns and fabrics and really cool specialty scissors.

The obsession to be the next best seamstress and make awesome homemade clothes didn't last long. Soon I moved on to crocheting... That didn't last long either but I did make a rather frumpy looking scarf once.

I also did the same think with crafts. Bought all the supplies to make my own jewelry. I intended on wearing it and selling it. Instead, I gave most of it away and threw the rest in the box were they continue to get into a tangled mess. Bought a bunch of stamps. Thought it would be fun to make homemade cards and stamp stuff. It really wasn't my thing.

I also can't forget about the time I decided to explore my musical talents. I love music. I used to play the clarinet in high school. So naturally, I thought with all this extra time on my hands, I would be able to teach myself how to play guitar.

I am pretty good at pretending that I am rocking out!

After months of not being able to figure out the correct way to strum, some really sore fingers, and constant complaints about my boobs getting in the way, I gave up and moved on to Piano. (I am happy to say I am having a more positive experience with this one, and have almost figured out how to play Fur Elise!)

This year - it is gardening.

I have no idea how to garden. In fact, looking at my record, I have probably killed more plants than I have been able to grow. I once treated a hanging strawberry plant with Raid to get rid of the ants. The ants no longer bothered my plant... we didn't get strawberries either.

So this year I am going to prove my black thumb wrong. On a positive note, I got my kids to keep checking on it for me! Out of the four of us, we should at least come up with one thing that is edible.

The kids are so excited. They can't wait
for stuff to start growing!

Are You A Bra? A Question of Support

The desperate and insecure writer in me is trying to climb out...

I can't help it though. I am a curious individual. I ask questions. I seek answers. I talk about everything. I can only assume this is the reason I enjoy writing.

It allows me to express myself. I can just blurt stuff out on paper that comes to mind. When I talk, I usually try to think before the words are formed. I hold back a lot.... not when I am writing.

So this leads me to where I am today... thinking about my book, Mother's Day. Thinking about how to get it into the hands of readers. Thinking how to convince people to spread the word. Wondering if it is good enough. There are people out there that have told me it is great. I didn't pay them to say it either.

I still question it though. Is it great because they know me... or did they really enjoy it. Did they get an emotional response? Are they telling their friends and family about the last book they read? Are they passing it on.

I am new to this whole promoting myself. What it has done has brought up massive amounts of questions. Questions about my supporters, questions about spreading the word, just questions in general.

Freelance artists struggle. No body knows who they are and they have to work insanely hard to get a buzz going. It is those supporters who create that buzz... and it is one thing that made me realize what kind of supporter I am.

I am a supporter of the freelance artists. 
I am a bra - if you must.


Anytime I know a person who has accomplished a goal they can brag about, I get excited. I want to support them. I want to brag about them. I want to tell the world that I knew them way back when....

When I found out an old friend from high school made a movie, I couldn't wait for it to be released so I could see it. I immediately went to their Facebook page Misfit Heights and not only "Liked" the page, but also spammed my friends with it. It is a zombie puppet musical. How can it possibly get any better than that? Sure, it might not be everybody's thing. It is a small niche to say the least. But it was great and the fact is... I was supporting a fellow peer from High School.
If you want to know more - look to your left. I got him on the sidebar and I highly encourage you to check it out!

As a writer, I have also run into others as well who have jumped on the dream boat and accomplished a goal. One of my friends from Wisconsin, author C.L. Crowe, wrote the book Soul Finding. I have already
read it on my Kindle and I am anxiously awaiting the second book's release. I also plan on purchasing a hard copy of the book just so I can have her sign it the next time I see her. I won't even go into how mad I am at her for publishing her book first! I guess she won fair and square though, so I can't hold it over her head too much. She will just have to buy me lunch next time we get together since she has got a few months on me for the publishing gig.

Obviously because of what I do, I have run into many talented artists out there. Melanie from Scribbles and Smiles also just published the book "Make Happiness Happen!" It is a quick read packed full of inspiration. I was so excited to see it since her accomplish this goal since she was one of my biggest supporters and fans during National Novel Writing Month.

My friend Vicki over at Laugh Lines was recently featured in a book called the "Life Well Blogged," which I was lucky enough to receive a complimentary copy. What I have read so far has me rolling with laughter.

Then of course their is Cyndi over at Pictimilitude, who is going to take the world by storm with her works of art. One day I will have one of her pictures hanging on my wall.

As writers, there are several different forms of support. Marie Landry gave me the opportunity to have my first experience at being a Beta Reader for her book "Waiting For The Storm." I was really excited to read it and give her my personal thoughts. It was a definite read and it made me curious about the other books she has written as well. Upon completion of beta reading, I bought all her books. I love supporting other artists.

Naturally, I can't forget about Julie DeNeen, form Life According to Julie, who was the initial push into my blogging. Who has always been around to push others to write what they feel and expose themselves. She is honest and doesn't hold anything back and that is something to admire in today's world. She already wrote two books which I couldn't put down - "Wanted" and "Writing Through The Chaos." She has a million other things on her plate, including a blogging consultation business through Fabulous Blogging. She has been a big inspiration for almost every writer and blogger I have met in the digital world, and no one has a negative thing to say about her. Honestly, even on those days when I have been busy and it seems like I am not around, I still quietly stalk her just because the stuff she has to say is so refreshing.


Last, but definitely not least, (because she will beat me up otherwise!), I want to mention Terrye from The Adventures of a Misplaced Alaskan. I hear she is jumping on the band wagon to write a book as well. She won't tell me any more details about it, so I won't dwell about not being able to gossip. However, when it comes to support, she is someone you want on your side and she is a treasure to have in your life. Every time I was feeling down and wanted to call it quits, I would say something and she would tell me to shut it. It really made me feel better!

There are also some other key people who are responsible for some  great products. Shelby McKee, owner and founder of  Keysocks, has been one of my biggest supporters. I was one of the first writers to get the inside scoop on this product. These socks are perfect for any woman who like to wear their shoes, and their socks too. This was an ingenious idea and I talk about them like they were mine. Reality is, I just want to share the love.

Yoga Sandals are another product I stand by and want to mention.  The philosophy behind this product is one I can stand behind and truly believe in. I love the concept of these shoes, since they help with foot and knee problems. I love the positive outlook this business portrays. And I also can't fail to mention one of their employees, my friend Liz, is also one of the people who helped me with the cover of my book. One thing is for sure though, I love spread the word about great quality products like this.

Who are your bras?

Overall, I learned there are people in your life who are like bras. They support you and pick you up. They go out of their way to tell you how proud they are of you, the will spend their last dime just to buy your latest piece of work. They don't do this because of it's quality, because it doesn't even matter what it is, but because they want the bragging rights. They want to show you off.

For instance, my mom has already bought 3 of my books. My Grandma has to buy another one because she refuses to share. My sister finished the book in less than 24 hours of receiving it, and I might also add that she was one of the very first to buy it. Now that is support.

After talking to one of the local bookstores, I started feeling the love of supporters everywhere. This man, who has never met me or seen me or even read my book, was excited about my accomplishment. This excitement stemmed from me being a local self-published author. He told me how to make connections - how some of these people will become the greatest supporters just because I am local. It got me excited.

It also got me thinking - who are your supporters? Do you know who they are? Do they brag about you, or do they stay silent? Are some of them a surprise?

I got curious... so I actually asked. And yes - I am taking names. In fact, I would love for them to share a picture of themselves with my book. Why? So I can do a contest and one lucky winner will get something from me and they will also get the opportunity to send my book to a person of their choice. But more on that later. Right now I just want to know who has supported me.

These supporters that create a buzz, and when you are a new artist, that is what you need. You need to create a buzz. So here is my chance to tell everybody who has supported me how much I appreciate you.

Thank you to all of those who have bought my book and shared it with your friends. 

Thank you to all of those have created a buzz 
about "Mother's Day!"

Music Monday: I'm So Excited

I know it has been awhile since I have done a Music Monday post, but yesterday I got this song stuck in my head and I just couldn't get it out. I thought I would share...

There is a big reason why this song is stuck in my head, and frankly, if you could see me right now, you would notice that I haven't stopped jumping up and down since yesterday afternoon. I walked out on a ledge and took a chance. I really wasn't sure what was going to happen, so I walked into a local book store more nervous than a person afraid of heights jumping out of a plane and I asked a question.

"I am a new self-published author and I was wondering, how do I get my book on your shelves?"

Instead of being turned away or told to buy a book and do some research, I was given a phone number by one of the store owners and told how excited they get to promote local artists.

JACKPOT!!

To make it even better, this gentleman used to do marketing for Borders and gave me all sorts of ideas on what I need to do to market myself and my book. How far I take this is completely up to me, however, as any writer knows, information is gold and I don't think I could ever repay this gentleman for the insight he has given me in the short 15 minutes I talked to him.

So I better get to it. I got some marketing to do while I dance away to the song playing in my head. I couldn't have planned this out better if I tried!

Where did the year go?

Today is the last day of school for my daughters. It seems like only yesterday school was starting... now we are getting ready for summer.

Here is Southern California, the temps are starting to crawl up into the triple digits. It is hot.

I don't do well in the heat.

Our pool isn't ready yet.

Today I got burnt in less than 2 minutes.

The kids are probably going to drive me mad...

Guess just because it is summer doesn't mean things really change. At least next Monday I will get to sleep in.

Finding my Brand

Writing a book was the easy part....

Never thought I would say that in my life. After what seemed like forever, I finally hit the "Approve" button and my book was out in the big, wide, evil, cruel world for review.

Ok - it was no longer for review. It was up for grabs for anybody who was curious enough to spend a few hours reading it and a few bucks buying it... but that also meant it was up for critique. People could love it - or they could hate it!

What would people say?

I was so nervous....

Sure, we all have people who will never fail to buy what ever you write regardless of how bad it is or how good it is. It is the strangers we have to be careful of. We need to wrap our hearts and our minds with a Teflon coating so we don't get burned.

And that was when I ran into a wall.....

I was so excited to have finally hit publish. I knew I wasn't going to become an instant millionaire... and probably maybe not even a best selling author... at least yet. What I wasn't aware of, was how hard it would be to actually get someone to buy my book.

A few short lonely books later, I was wondering where were the critiques? The people slamming me under the bus because they hated it. Where was the love? The people who told everybody about it until they were blue in the face.

I guess that means you have to sell some books.

Now don't get me wrong. This is not a pity party. I have already sold a handful of books and the people who have invested the time in it to read Mother's Day, can't seem to put it down. So it must be good. At least that is what I am getting from the feedback.

The problem is, I need to brand it. I need to make people want to buy the book. I need them to realize they can't live another day without purchasing my book. I need to find a way to convince them there is something in it for them.

Frankly, how the hell do I do that?

If you would like a copy of Mother's Day, the book I completed for Nanowrimo, click here for the paperback. If you would like the Kindle version, click here.

I Have Nothing To Say

It seems I have used up my creative energy.

I have been actively trying to blog more, but it isn't working. I can't focus. I don't know what to write. So I sit and ponder. I play some games. I try to think so more. And then I realize I wasted all day and have nothing to show for it.

I have even used cleaning as a means to escape my head, hoping to come up with something exciting and new to write about.

That hasn't worked either.

If it did, this post might be a whole lot more entertaining than it already is. It might actually have substance. You might make to the end and think, "Now that was an AHA moment and I am glad I stayed!"

But I can't promise that. In fact, I think I am going to go clean. But my house is already clean so I can't even do that. So needless to say, I sit here with nothing to say.

Yet here is the problem. I know why my lack of writing is plaguing me. It is because I have a lot to say. I just don't know how to say it.

I have lots of things to say. I am just not sure
how to go about saying it.

I want to talk about what is irritating me, I want to talk about my book, I want to talk about my lack of motivation for my workouts, I want to talk about how my medication has made me fat, I want to talk about how I still don't trust doctors so I stopped taking my medication because I think the weight is worse for me than what I needed the medication for, I want to talk about the sleep study I had which probably won't give any results because it was the best night of sleep I had gotten in months, I want to talk about the end of school, I want to talk about the lack of bus transportation that is already causing me stress wondering how I am going to time both kids getting to school at the right time, I want to talk about how my son just dropped a whole bag of M&M's on the floor and it is driving me crazy because I know I will find a missing one
sometime down the road, I want to talk about my new iPhone 5 and how Suri doesn't tolerate you swearing at here, I want to talk about how irritated I am that Emily Owens, MD. was cancelled, I want to talk about how I taught myself Fur Elise on the Piano, I want to talk about the potential of a zombie apocalypse, I want to talk about how life really would be more enjoyable if it was a musical, and I also want to talk about how much I am missing my family and friends back home.

See... even when I have nothing to say, I seem to really have a lot to say. I just can't seem to get it all out. And until I really get out what is plaguing me, I will continue to feel like I have nothing to say.

Music Monday: Whistle While You Work

Today is a busy one. Not that there is ever a day that goes by that I am not busy. I got a massive amount of scrubbing and cleaning to do... after all, it has been neglected over the last few months. I have homework to do; end of school activities; washing my hair; working out; picking my nose and picking my blog post. Mostly though, I have to start coming up with marketing strategies for my book Mother's Day.

If you thought writing a book was hard, try getting the word to spread like wildfire. So, as I step into the beginnings of the marketing process, I am just going to have to Whistle While I Work... seems like the perfect song for Music Monday!

Hello...

I thought I would stop by and say hi.

I know, it has been a while. Sometimes I even wondered if anybody missed me. But I have a good excuse as to why I haven't been around. It's a darn good excuse.

I wrote a book!

Let me tell you, it was hard work. I spent hours staring at the computer editing until my eyes went blurry. There were days when I would wear the same clothes... just so the laundry didn't pile up. I don't remember the last logical conversation I had with my husband, my kids might be figments of my imagination, and soon it might no longer be an undiagnosed mad woman state, since I have nearly lost my mind!

I am sure it will be worth it in the end. Actually, I am not sure, I know it will be! After all, my book is published and available for anybody to read. Hope you take the chance to check it out by clicking here.

So what's next?

That is the big question I have as well. I fear I might actually have too much time on my hands that I don't know what to do with myself.

Naw... that will never happen. I have kids and summer is just around the corner.

Sadly, time will always be short because I like to stay busy. But now that I have cleared off a really big task, I will have more time for my family, my schoolwork, and my chores. I will be back to blogging and catching up with my fellow bloggers as well.

Ok - so who am I kidding. I am already working on my next book! This one is going to be about zombies. No worries though - I haven't put myself under a strict deadline yet!

Words Mean Everything

As many of you may already know, I have been working hard (or hardly working) on my book that I have planned to release to people everywhere on May 12, 2013. On top of that, I have also returned to school... mainly because I want to make it sound like I am smart on my author page. (No one said it had to be a good reason!)

Needless to say, I realized I was coming up on crunch time. Between my book, my blog, and my school work, I knew I needed to get cracking.

So yesterday, I decided to open my book again to make edits from the suggestions of my beta readers. It is a tedious process. I feel like I am looking at a million computer screens and trying to condense them into one valid document.

Working between a printed copy and a
computer copy is enough to make anyone
want to take a nap!

Ok - it really isn't that bad. But I do have to keep looking from hard copy to laptop. Pain in the butt.

And it's a daunting task. It might even be more daunting then writing the damn book. After all, I didn't know how far I was going until I got there. Now, as I sit on page 35... I noticed there is still 378 pages left.

That number 413 keeps flashing at me. 

Once I got into the swing of things, it wasn't really all that bad. And the reality is, I only need to do 22 pages a day to be ready for the final read through on May 1st!

But meanwhile, it can't be all work and no play. That is when I started to realize how funny it is to look back at my work with a fresh pair of eyes. After all, when it comes to your own work sometimes it can be hard to pick out things that are just wrong.

In this case... I realized that my main character likes to run around commando, sans undies, freebuffing, going regimental.... although it wasn't really my intention.

The reality is, when you are writing, you need to describe everything. In this case, I would describe her as finishing up her shower and throwing on a pair of pants. Most people would assume she is wearing her undergarments, but I can't assume here. So, I have to read it like it is. She doesn't wear underwear.

I don't know about you... but I think my main character would be a lot more comfy in her undies!

My Epic Blog Post

I really wanted to write something epic today for my blog.

Here is the problem though. I am kind of a perfectionist. My parents are going to be here tomorrow and it doesn't matter how clean my house is, I can still find more to clean.

So that is what I have been doing all day. Yet, I still feel this urge to write an epic blog post, so even though I am running short on time here goes nothing...

EPIC

Yep, that is my blog post for the day. Hope you enjoyed it and it inspired you! And if you didn't, here is a picture of me trying to get you with my black sticky hands of goo!

Roar!!!

Wordless Wednesday: Money

Did you ever hear the phrase that "Money Can't Buy Your Happiness?"

It really can't buy happiness but with today's increasingly cost of living, it sure as hell helps to make you a little happier.

When I sit down and think about money, I get disgusted. There is never enough to go around. It doesn't help that we live in California where the cost of living is ridiculous, the gas prices skyrocket for piss poor reasons and you have no choice but to commute to work to make living affordable.

The other day I was looking at plane tickets. I really want to go back to Wisconsin this summer, but I just don't see how that is possible anymore. With all the car issues we had earlier in the year, and the grocery bill nearly doubling as the cost of food raises, and gas (well don't get me started), plane tickets seem to be out of reach. I have yet to justify spending $300 per person for a weekend.

I would love to be able to go home. My budget doesn't nearly support my dreams of traveling. It doesn't support my want of a hot date out on the town all the time. And it surely doesn't pay for a maid that will clean and organize my house so I could spend my extra time writing!

On the other hand.... I have an amazing family. My kids never fail to say something that will make me laugh. My husband is never short on showing me how much he loves me. And those I am fortunate enough to call friends have filled my heart with riches that can never be spent. They are memories to be hoarded inside my heart to keep going when times get rough.

Now if only love would pay my electric bill this summer when it gets hot and the AC is turned on!

Who wouldn't love to have a handful of 100
dollar bills in their hand?

If you would like to participate in Wordless (or Wordy, since I obviously failed at the Wordless part this week!), check out my dear friend Cyndi over at Pictimilitude for ways to submit.

What Do You Mean My Kid Has No Talent?

I hate politics?

It doesn't matter if we are talking about nitty-gritty government politics or just social politics.

The school out here is having a talent show. I don't remember when I was in grade school if we did talent shows. If we did, I never applied. I was to embarrassed to actually admit I had a talent others would find interesting.

I have yet to find the talent that I can actually stand up on stage and do. (For those who remembered my awesome performance mimicking Rick from The Walking Dead, I stay away from acting because I need to avoid future concussions!)

Singing makes me nervous. I have two left feet. And I certainly can't read poetry the way Mike Myers did on "So I Married an Ax Murderer."

Personally, I think anybody who gets up to try out is brave and therefore somewhat talented. Unfortunately, the rules of the talent show kind of stink and to me it just doesn't make sense.

Last year my daughter was in softball. They never kept track of the score. Why? Because they didn't want the kids to feel bad if they didn't win. So even though the kids knew, there was no determined winner or loser by the time the game ended. It was because the adults didn't want to discourage them from getting better and from trying. It was a way to let them experience all positions without feeling bad if they, well, to put it bluntly, sucked!

Hey Batter Batter... SWING!
My daughter is the one in green!

But the same rules did not apply for the talent show. In fact, they could just downright tell your kid they sucked. You were required to try out and show off your best talent. But if the judges didn't like it, you didn't make it.

Well, one of my kids made it... the other did not.

It leaves me wondering... what is the difference between softball and talent shows?

Admit it, you want to see that talent!

The kids trying out for the talent show are at the oldest, in fifth grade. Isn't that a little too young for them to be told they are not talented, hence why they didn't make it in the talent show?

Now I understand if a kid thinks they can go up on stage and pick out a big juicy booger and say "Treasure Finding" is their talent.

First off, I bet almost every kid has that talent... and secondly, no one really wants to see that.

But what about those that want to go up and sing. What if they ALL want to sing? If they don't impress the judges they don't get through. But what if that is all they feel comfortable doing? Maybe this is them trying to break out of their skin and do something they are uncomfortable with?

I know my children are talented and I don't need a talent show to tell me that. They are both so talented in so many ways. They can both sing, they are both learning the piano, they are both smart. They both look at the world through a different set of eyes. But they are still young and they are still developing those talents.

My daughter practicing on the piano while we were getting ready to
go on vacation.

This could very clearly be evidenced by the choir and band concerts kids put on in the early years. Sure, everybody tries to put on their proudest face when the recorders start squawking and the band is all playing a different version of Hot Cross Buns and the choir is so quiet you can't even hear the song to begin with. But we all have to start somewhere!

I just hope in a world where it is ok not to keep score in baseball, but telling a kid they are not talented enough for a school Talent Show, doesn't keep these kids from trying and exceeding to the best of their ability.

After all, we are the ones building the kids up to the future. And if we break them down and make them think they aren't good enough, what kind of future are we making? I also understand not all kids can participate in everything, but there has to be a better way.

I would much rather bring a pair of ear plugs as I smile and encourage that child to keep trying then to go ahead and tell them they weren't good enough to begin with!

Music Monday: Dream Weaver

I have been having the strangest dreams lately.

Ok, so I have been screwing up my sleep schedule. Maybe that is why my dreams are sitting in the forefront of my memory when I wake up. I have been going to bed really late and still getting up at roughly the same time.

I will admit though that even though I wake up at my normal time, I do force myself to go back to sleep. I would hate to grace the world with my cranky attitude!

So the other night I was introduced Role Playing Games... the kind with dice you pervs!

A friend of mine wanted to run a game for her son and thought it would be an advantage to have some older players. Of course, I have never played, so I don't know if that is necessarily an advantage.

On Saturday night, we made our characters. It took almost 6 hours to get the perfect character. I have a vision in my head on who she is and what her special powers are. To me, it is no different than writing. This is my character synopsis and I know every aspect of her personality.

Needless to say, I was so wrapped up in this character that I have made that I dreamed about her all night. What can I say, she was a bad ass and she was taking down the bad guys and conquering missions like any bad ass would.

Unfortunately for my husband, that means he got the brunt of force from the bad ass fighting skills I must have possessed in my dreams.

And because of the insane amount of dreams I have been remembering lately, I seemed to have also get a song stuck in my head as well. And I can't think of a better song for Music Monday...

Dream Weaver by Gary Wright.