Thursday, February 14, 2013

How to Make A Zombie Fall In Love With You

If you are the everyday, average and normal person, you probably wouldn't be asking this question.

However, you are not. I know this because you have gotten here by some means. That can only tell me a few things...either you are here because you like me and you will read anything I write... or you are not the normal, everyday average person... you are a zombie enthusiast.

It is ok to be a zombie enthusiast. I am one too and I know several others who are the same way. Believe me, you are not alone.

However, zombies are not made of the same material us humans are made out of. After all, they are the undead. Therefore, when it comes to getting zombies to fall in love with you, you are going to have to change your pick-up techniques.

So, if you would like your weekend date to be that of the undead, I am here to help you. With these few tips, you will have that Undead Wedding before you know it!
There is no reason to let the relationship
die after you say "I Do"... particularly if it
was already dead in the dating phase!

1. You got to have brains!

That is right. If you want a zombie to fall in love with you, you need to have brains. Any zombie enthusiast knows that is what a real zombie craves. So no more going out and acting like you don't know anything. If you want a zombie to fall in love with you, you are going to need to prove it.

You can start by saying something smart... like "E equals MC squared!" I bet that will get them swooning!

2. Fat is the new Skinny!

Do you think zombies are interested in skeletons? Wrong. Why would they be? They are hungry for human flesh. Therefore, the best way to attract a zombie is to actually have some meat on your bones! The more you have the better because it will keep them with you for a much longer time.... while they keep munching and munching and munching....

And on a positive note, you no longer have to worry about that workout. Most zombies don't move that fast. So if you are in shape, chances are good you will leave them in your trail of dust. 

Now how are you supposed to attract a zombie if they can't even keep you in their sights?

3. Feed them a Romantic Dinner!

Zombies have an appetite for flesh, but I bet what you didn't realize is that there favorite thing to eat is the brain. The reason is because it makes them feel just a touch more alive then they do when they are walking around rotting like every other corpse. So if you want to treat your zombie honey right, and ensure that they will fall in love with you, you need to feed them a romantic dinner of your ex-significant other's brains. Chances are likely your former lover will have some good memories of you stored in their brain providing a delectable menu for the undead lover.

And on a positive note, if your  relationship is failing anyway, now you won't have to worry about a nasty break up or divorce papers. You can just feed them to your new love and move on with your life!

Set the scene for romance. Granted, they probably aren't
interested in the wine. But that just means there is
more for you!
4. Speak to them in Terms the can understand

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to get your point across and having it misunderstood. Communication is the key. So, if you really want to impress your zombie lover, you need to start conversing with them in a way that can't be misinterpreted.

So get with the program and give it your best grunt and groan and growl. You zombie will appreciate the effort you have made!
Communication doesn't need to be
hard. Impress your zombie
with your grunts and groans. 
5. Get a Gift That Will Keep Your Undead by Your Side

Nothing is worse than finding the love of your life and finding them suddenly dead... and I am not talking normal undead... I am talking really dead. Every zombie enthusiast knows that to kill a zombie, you need to kill the brain. But would you really want to see the brains of the person you loved splattered all over the wall? Didn't think so. To protect your Zombie in Shining Armor - get them a helmet and protect that brain. They will be groaning thank you until the end of your days!

Can you imagine the romance ahead of you, knowing
you can dance the night away with your undead lover!

After you have followed these short and simple steps, you should have no problems snagging the zombie of your dreams. And who knows, before you can even start the honeymoon, you might be rotting along side them groaning in a language only they can truly understand.

No one ever said loving a zombie was smart... but with a few sacrifices, you can have a life you have only dreamed of. 

Note: No bath salts were sniffed in the process of writing this article. Alternately, zombies don't really exist in this world, at least that we know of. Any reference to persons real or fake is purely coincidental. If zombies really did exist, I promise no zombies would have been hurt in the making of this article. After all, this post is about love. What sick person would try to hurt the person they love? And most importantly, if you haven't learned anything important from this yet, make sure you wait at least 30 minutes after you eat before swimming, brush your teeth everyday, and tell your parents you love them. 
And if you liked this, feel free to share on Facebook, Twitter or Google+... I would really appreciate it and so will all those other zombie enthusiasts out there! :)


  1. Those are some very important points...I am sure a zombie is a way to go for some people, I even think there are people out there who would benefit from such a relationship...and all you would have to do is allow for a nibble now and again!

  2. Stacy, this was #peppergasm! This might be your best post yet! I cracked up!

  3. I'm here because I like both you and zombies. I'm hoping if my husband dies before me he becomes a zombie because I'd like to surpass the "death do us part" phase.

  4. I was laughing out loud at this post! Nothing like the undead to keep a relationship undead!

    Kristy @ Shona Skye Creations

  5. haha...this was hilarious, Stacy.

    I got scared seeing Eli's pix all zombied

    Happy Valentine :)

  6. LOL!!! This is brilliant. Love how you combined romance and zombies...who would have thought?! We're catching up with the latest episode of The Walking Dead this weekend...cannot wait!!! Bit late, but happy Valentine's Day!

  7. I have to say, I'm not catching the zombie craze..I think it's because I don't have cable. :P

  8. HAHAHA. Is that your wedding cake? Cuz that would be awesome. :D

  9. Okay, I'm still rolling! You outdid yourself with this one! I loved the Zombie stuff, but the snorting of the bath salts (not) threw a left into the mix that got to me! Great job!


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