Sharing Secrets

Did you ever have a secret that you held deep inside? The longer you held it in, the harder it was to actually deal with the secret.

I have a secret...

The nightmares have returned. I kind of expected that they would. What I wasn't expecting was how hard it was going to be to deal with them.

I contemplated not even talking about it. The more I dive into the underlying issues, the more my nightmares increase, the more panic attacks I have, the deeper I dive into depression. I can't escape.

A part of me wants to return to normal. I want to bury it in the past, like I have done before. I don't want to talk about it, but I am being forced to. So the only thing I can think of to do, which might help me and help others as well, is to spread awareness.

So, after burying this secret for 13 and a half long years... I am finally going to talk about it.

I suffer from PTSD from MST.

Secrets can consume us. Some
of us are strong enough to hold
on to them until we eventually break.

For those of you who don't know acronyms, that means Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from Military Sexual Trauma. What it comes down to, is this refers to a psychological trauma that resulted from a physical assault of a sexual nature while serving on active duty.

Saying what happened to me is difficult. In fact, very few people knew about it. But I am not alone. During screening for MST, 1 out of 5 woman and 1 out of 100 men have responded "yes" to being involved with MST.

What was my mistake? I didn't report it. Now it haunts me.

When I got out of the military, I eventually filed a claim for my PTSD. I was suffering from depression. My relationships were hurting and I was cutting myself away from people. After several attempts, I gave up. My disability rating was not high enough to compete with the war veterans coming home that needed the appointment slots with the psychologist.

I concurred. They needed the help more than I did, and frankly I couldn't continue to live with the constant talk about the past. I eventually dropped out of the system. What they were doing wasn't helping me. I wasn't a priority and I was put on hold.

Now I am back in the system again. I attempted to reopen my claim last June. I procrastinated so long, that an appointment I should have made last year, is finally in the works. But that means everything is resurfacing again.

The panic attacks are returning. I am back on medication. And my claim is back up and ready for them to send it back unapproved because they don't have enough evidence. Once again, I am living this nightmare all over again.

Yet this time it is different. MST is a hot topic. They are recognizing it as a serious issue now. I have the opportunity to step forward and get treatment. I am working with some people that finally understand a little bit of what I have went through.

But that doesn't help. Because deep down, until they service connect my MST, I will have to pay VA (veteran affairs) for my treatment. Not only with money, but with my time and my sanity.

I don't feel good.

And while there are people out there that understand, there are also people out there that don't. They make you feel guilty. They make you feel like it was your fault, or that you were stupid for not following the right protocol. It isn't an easy topic to discuss. It isn't one easy to throw out into any conversation.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!

You feel guilty, you feel dirty, you feel overwhelmed, you feel used, you feel hurt, you feel unloved, you feel gross, you feel like it is your fault, you feel like you asked for it....

So what do you do - you hide from it.

But I am telling you right now. Don't hide. You need to face your fears. Take it from someone that knows - 13 and a half years later, I am still being haunted.

***

If you are a Veteran and you need help contacting someone to deal with MST, click here  for more information. And please spread the word. Maybe then something positive can come out of this whole situation.

A Blogger Day Of Silence for Sandy Hook

A Star For Benjamin - Thanks for All Your Help

The donations have come to a close. It has amazed me how much people have come forward in the time of tragedy. Our group, Bloppy Bloggers, showed that when people put there mind to something, anything can happen. Together, we are powerful!

More than 100 people participated, more than 24 states spread along the route, 3 different countries and more than $3,000 dollars raised. There is also a star in the sky and a star on the tree so this little boy will always be remembered.

If you want to see the progress, check out the updates on Life According to Julie. 

Otherwise, thank you to all those who participated.

A Star For Benjamin

It is only a couple days after the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. The tragedy that took 20 young children's lives. A tragedy that has torn many families apart right before Christmas.

Yet, in light of a tragedy, it is amazing how the power of people shines through. Our group, Bloppy Bloggers, decided we would take action to raise money and buy a star for the family of Benjamin Wheeler. The parents of this child is friends with one of our very own members, Amy from Adorable Chaos. So even though some of us may not have known the family personally, we have decided to reach out and show the power of human kindness and the power of the written word.

So far our efforts have been nothing short of amazing. As of writing this, we have raised about $2,300 for the family to assist in the funeral costs. We have over a dozen bloggers who have been spreading the word since we have started. And most importantly, we have had more than 100 people that have opened their hearts and have given to the Wheeler family. These people have been scattered, not just through the United States, but in other parts of the world as well.

This is the power of people. 

While money will never substitute for the loss of a child, it definitely can take away some of the stresses. If you would like to donate to the cause, there is a Donation button located at the top of this blog. Feel free to add a note as well. The notes that are being sent along to the family are a true show of human kindness.

And then there is the star. A star purchased in the sky and one to go on the tree. The star that will forever be a reminder and a memory of a child that was taken to soon.

Our thoughts go out to all the families that have been affected by this tragedy.

Note: If you want to check out all the updates on what has been happening, please click here to be directed to an article on Life According to Julie. It has been updated regularly. The picture on top is also courtesy of Cyndi from Pictimilitude. 

Another Star in The Sky - Random Act of Kindness to the Victims of the Connecticut Shooting

On this day, December 14th, 2012, we have once again endured a tragedy. In a small town of Newtown, Connectictut, 20 children were brutally murdered while attending school.

No parent ever thinks of the day when they will drop their kid off to school and not see them return home at night. The magnitude of this tragedy is hard to comprehend. Yet, this tragedy hits closer to home for some of us.

I belong to a group of bloggers, called Bloppy Bloggers. One of our dear friends and fellow blogger, Amy from Adorable Chaos, knows a family who lost a child in this incident. As a group, we decided to pull together and see what we can do for this family. Together, we can be heard and we can help.

As a group, we are collecting donations for a family who is in need and dealing with a horrific loss 11 days before Christmas. (The family will be kept anonymous for publicity sake.) We will be purchasing a star and naming it after the child, so the family can look up in the sky and remember him. Any additional money will also be delivered to the family to relieve some of the burden of funeral costs.

Our heartfelt thoughts and prayers go out to the family and all the families that have been affected by this tragedy in Newtown, CT.

If you too would like to donate to our cause, feel free to use the Donate button on the top left hand corner of the blog. We thank you for help in this tragic time.