I need a 27 hour day

Sometimes, this is how I feel!

I have been gone lately. Maybe you have noticed. It isn't that I have given up on writing, I just haven't had the time. Returning to school has taken up a big portion of my time, and when I am done, it leaves my brain in a cramped up state I can't seem to even come up with the right words to put down on the screen.

I seem to be wearing too many hats lately. I am a busy body, so it isn't like I am not used to running myself past the point of exhaustion. However, lately I have been more exhausted than usual. My therapist has stated my exhaustion is stemming from the need to control EVERYTHING. Maybe she is right.

School is just one of the many hats that I wear. I am also a wife, a mother and a taxi cab driver. With my two oldest children back in school, I have now needed to get back into a schedule. There isn't an available bus system, and since my oldest daughter has moved into middle school, it also means I have to get all the kids up and ready and in the car to drive her across the city. It's only 3 miles and it takes about 30 minutes out of my morning. I am not really complaining. It is minor.

I am also attempting to work on my second book. By attempting, I more or less mean I have been actively thinking about it. I haven't had the time to work on it. I will happily say I seemed to have thought of an awesome plot twist. However, my excitement still hasn't provided the drive to actually write it yet.

I have also wanted to take more time to work on my blog. But every single time I think about writing a blog, I can't seem to find anything I want to write about. I want it to be passionate. Yet, I find myself filled with so much anger lately that I don't want to pass on my negativity to others. That leaves for many blank pages.

I have been told I need to relax. To maybe even lose control a little bit. Sadly though, I don't think that is part of my personality. I am being pulled into so many directions I am not even sure I am capable of accomplishing one thing. I feel responsible for the state of my house, for my homework, for my lack of being able to keep up with other writer's in my network. I have yet to set up what I needed to so I can actively promote my book. I published a book, but being unable to actively get it in the hands of the readers, I feel like I have failed.

To make matters even more complicated, I am attempting to get back to the healthy state I was in before all the medication complicated things. A couple years back, I lost 40 pounds. I was damn proud of myself. I worked hard and the hard work paid off. The medication had one very miserable side effect... it could cause weight gain. Suddenly, I find myself bloating back into my former self and can do nothing to stop it. No amount of exercise and no amount of healthy eating seems to combat the medication's effects. So I stopped taking them, but I still can't get back on track.

I have been told to ignore the numbers on the scale. Honestly, while seeing a good number on the scale is always nice, I don't care about the numbers. The problem is in my clothing... or the lack of clothing. In the process of gaining the weight back, my body has reshaped. Even my fat clothes don't fit right. I feel like I have a turtle neck of fat around my neck that is slowly choking me to death.

Ironically, I know the problem. I will never be able to get back to were I was and were I want to be until I stop stressing. But for someone who has always lived in the fast lane, how do you do that?

They say give up some of the tasks that I deem as "needed" to get done. They said to delegate some of the stressors to someone else. But how is that fair? I can't give away all my duties to sit on the couch eating bon bons while watching soap operas. Not to mention, that won't get me back on track health-wise either.

Yet, this is what I am confronted with: Making the decision of what I need to give up so I can stop stressing about everything. Or maybe, I can just get a 27 hour day.

Go BIG or Go Home!

I have a problem...

I usually get something set in my head and I want to do it. The problem is, I can't and won't start out small. I have to go all the way. I have to make an investment. If I don't have everything I want, I won't be a success.

I did this once with sewing. Got all the Dummy manuals, got the tomato looking pin cushion. I even asked and got a real live sewing machine for Christmas one year (which is, by the way, sitting in the box - only been used a few select times, most of which ended up being a jammed up mess!) I spent more than 100 dollars on patterns and fabrics and really cool specialty scissors.

The obsession to be the next best seamstress and make awesome homemade clothes didn't last long. Soon I moved on to crocheting... That didn't last long either but I did make a rather frumpy looking scarf once.

I also did the same think with crafts. Bought all the supplies to make my own jewelry. I intended on wearing it and selling it. Instead, I gave most of it away and threw the rest in the box were they continue to get into a tangled mess. Bought a bunch of stamps. Thought it would be fun to make homemade cards and stamp stuff. It really wasn't my thing.

I also can't forget about the time I decided to explore my musical talents. I love music. I used to play the clarinet in high school. So naturally, I thought with all this extra time on my hands, I would be able to teach myself how to play guitar.

I am pretty good at pretending that I am rocking out!

After months of not being able to figure out the correct way to strum, some really sore fingers, and constant complaints about my boobs getting in the way, I gave up and moved on to Piano. (I am happy to say I am having a more positive experience with this one, and have almost figured out how to play Fur Elise!)

This year - it is gardening.

I have no idea how to garden. In fact, looking at my record, I have probably killed more plants than I have been able to grow. I once treated a hanging strawberry plant with Raid to get rid of the ants. The ants no longer bothered my plant... we didn't get strawberries either.

So this year I am going to prove my black thumb wrong. On a positive note, I got my kids to keep checking on it for me! Out of the four of us, we should at least come up with one thing that is edible.

The kids are so excited. They can't wait
for stuff to start growing!

I Have Nothing To Say

It seems I have used up my creative energy.

I have been actively trying to blog more, but it isn't working. I can't focus. I don't know what to write. So I sit and ponder. I play some games. I try to think so more. And then I realize I wasted all day and have nothing to show for it.

I have even used cleaning as a means to escape my head, hoping to come up with something exciting and new to write about.

That hasn't worked either.

If it did, this post might be a whole lot more entertaining than it already is. It might actually have substance. You might make to the end and think, "Now that was an AHA moment and I am glad I stayed!"

But I can't promise that. In fact, I think I am going to go clean. But my house is already clean so I can't even do that. So needless to say, I sit here with nothing to say.

Yet here is the problem. I know why my lack of writing is plaguing me. It is because I have a lot to say. I just don't know how to say it.

I have lots of things to say. I am just not sure
how to go about saying it.

I want to talk about what is irritating me, I want to talk about my book, I want to talk about my lack of motivation for my workouts, I want to talk about how my medication has made me fat, I want to talk about how I still don't trust doctors so I stopped taking my medication because I think the weight is worse for me than what I needed the medication for, I want to talk about the sleep study I had which probably won't give any results because it was the best night of sleep I had gotten in months, I want to talk about the end of school, I want to talk about the lack of bus transportation that is already causing me stress wondering how I am going to time both kids getting to school at the right time, I want to talk about how my son just dropped a whole bag of M&M's on the floor and it is driving me crazy because I know I will find a missing one
sometime down the road, I want to talk about my new iPhone 5 and how Suri doesn't tolerate you swearing at here, I want to talk about how irritated I am that Emily Owens, MD. was cancelled, I want to talk about how I taught myself Fur Elise on the Piano, I want to talk about the potential of a zombie apocalypse, I want to talk about how life really would be more enjoyable if it was a musical, and I also want to talk about how much I am missing my family and friends back home.

See... even when I have nothing to say, I seem to really have a lot to say. I just can't seem to get it all out. And until I really get out what is plaguing me, I will continue to feel like I have nothing to say.

School Paperwork has Sucked Out My Brains

This morning had an interesting start.

I woke up to my son screaming because he wanted a drink... in the middle of the night... ok, so it was actually morning... 3 a.m. to be exact.

I figured this would happen. After all, he played so hard yesterday he fell asleep at dinner.

All that running around just wore him out!

After I had gone downstairs to fill his cup up with juice, I dragged my behind back up the stairs. The hallway was illuminated with nightlights and I could hear whimpering from the bedroom.

Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see this rodent run in front of me and across the room.

FUCK!!! Don't tell me I have a mouse!

That was, of course, my first thought. After all, our hamster had already escaped once and we had been enforcing the "Stay Away From The Cage" Policy. Not to mention I was half asleep so I wasn't really think. But after almost squishing this little rodent, I was wide awake.

Houdini.... errrr... Buddy the Hamster, is a
friendly little guy. He just sometimes likes
to come out at night to explore.

I checked the cage and Houdini...er... Buddy the Hamster... had indeed escape. I grabbed his bag of food, hoping that if I shook it, he would come out wanting food. Nope - he was a smart hamster! He knew he was being cornered and he knew he was being trapped.

I caught him before we had to deal with any sad, crying kids. However, by this time, my son decided he was wide awake and he wanted to watch a movie. Why not - after Hamster Hunting it wasn't like I was going to have much luck falling asleep.

So I got up... and I decided to start laundry, iron my husband's work clothes, make the kids lunches. It was a productive day to say the least. At least before 8 a.m.

This afternoon I went to go fill out the rest of my paperwork for going back to school. As if I wasn't tired enough. Whatever remaining energy I had, just went out the window. I feel as if my brains have been sucked out.

Now how the hell is this school thing going to work if I lost my brain?

Writers Are Crazy

I know, I know... it is like calling the kettle black.

For only a dollar, you can make every night a Redbox Night!

Oh the irony of the Undiagnosed Mad Woman to be claiming that writers are crazy. Just think about it for a minute.

***

Yesterday, I got a text message to save a few pennies on Redbox. So naturally, since I needed to go to Walmart to find some toasted marshmallows, it was the perfect scenario to pick up a movie while I was there.

We made it a Redbox night.

As I was browsing through the movies without my husband's assistance (my husband is the movie buff. He knows every actor and what they have played in even in their previous lives! I can identify Brad Pitt!), I decided to pick out a scary movie.

Who is that guy??
Oh I know - That is Brad Pitt!

Surprisingly, this is a pretty hoping Redbox location and everyone must have gotten a coupon because there wasn't much of a selection - that I was interested in anyway. So, since my husband is always begging to watch these scary movies and I usually prefer romantic comedy, I finally decided to get a horror movie of his dreams.

Maybe that was a bad decision. I recognized the name of the movie... and I could have sworn my husband said he wanted to watch it. So, with delight, I handed him my Redbox copy of Sinister.

Ok, so some people probably think I am whining like a baby. It scared the CRAP out of me. Not to mention, I have never seen my husband so... disturbed by a movie. Yet, I wouldn't let him shut it off. I was already invested and now I wanted to know what happened.

So last night, after some anxiety meds were taken, we went to bed with the lights on. And this morning I woke up with one very strong thought...

WRITERS ARE CRAZY!

Doesn't this picture say crazy writer?

I think it is a necessary state of mind really. You want to come up with an idea that captivates people; that throws them off the trail; that makes them feel something... anything... whether it is good or bad! I think every writer is a little crazy, just maybe they don't openly admit it. But they have a talent to take something and twist it to the point where you can't turn away.

So after the movie yesterday, I had to wonder, "How did this writer come up with this idea?" Was this something that stemmed from a childhood nightmare? Is this something stemmed for real life situations? I don't know. I don't think I am crazy and twisted enough to come up with something so twisted.

Then again... after reading 50 Shades of Grey I started wondering the same thing about the sanity of writers?

We are all crazy as writers... I guess it is just the level and plane of crazy we are willing to explore and expose!