He Forgot to Use the Safe Word!

Last week my husband and I were in Walmart picking up some medication. I had done all my research thanks to WebMD, and I was sure I was having an allergic reaction.

However, that is not necessarily what it looked like. My eye was swollen. It looked like I had been punched in the face, at least from a distance.

People were giving us strange looks. I giggled innocently as I knew my husband was probably being cursed by those who didn't have a clue what was going on. It was obvious. The look on their faces said it loud and clear.... "Really? What kind of man beats his wife and takes her out in public?"

With a face that looked like mine, I needed something to make me laugh. My husband was irritating me, constantly commenting on my inability to "leave it alone!"

Revenge was mine.

"Seriously! It is really starting to hurt. You really shouldn't hit me so hard!" I said with a smile on my face. The couple in front of us had their back turned to us, but had just given my husband the evil eye.

"Maybe next time you should learn to listen the first time."

By the time we got to the check out person, the couple in front of us was walking away as fast as they could, probably in search of a police officer to come rescue the Damsel in Distress. (Who am I kidding... this is Walmart!)

This gave us a quick laugh and we proceeded on home to lather my face with antihistamine gel. Relief was in the forcast.....

Yeah right. This is called Karma. That was last week.

The beginning of this week I started off with my left eye completely swollen shut. This was after a visit to the Urgent Care 2 days earlier and what I thought was finally the road to recovery.

I can barely see anything. My hearing is almost entirely gone as well from this severe sinus infection. With my eyesight fading, I am starting to think the only sense I might soon be left with is common sense.... and I am not entirely sure I had that to begin with.

This is obviously Karma from last week'
s short prank.

I thought it was funny. Most people should know that anybody in an actual abusive relationship, would not be in public joking about it. But maybe I shouldn't have been joking about such a serious topic anyway.

What can I say - I am an insensitive asshole. Go ahead and judge me.

This is my payback. Even though I have never been in a fight before... I look like I got a blow right to the face. My right eye is following.

Guess what, next time Karma wants to fight I am taking the first blow.

And until then, I am just going to use the excuse that my husband forgot the safe word....

Go BIG or Go Home!

I have a problem...

I usually get something set in my head and I want to do it. The problem is, I can't and won't start out small. I have to go all the way. I have to make an investment. If I don't have everything I want, I won't be a success.

I did this once with sewing. Got all the Dummy manuals, got the tomato looking pin cushion. I even asked and got a real live sewing machine for Christmas one year (which is, by the way, sitting in the box - only been used a few select times, most of which ended up being a jammed up mess!) I spent more than 100 dollars on patterns and fabrics and really cool specialty scissors.

The obsession to be the next best seamstress and make awesome homemade clothes didn't last long. Soon I moved on to crocheting... That didn't last long either but I did make a rather frumpy looking scarf once.

I also did the same think with crafts. Bought all the supplies to make my own jewelry. I intended on wearing it and selling it. Instead, I gave most of it away and threw the rest in the box were they continue to get into a tangled mess. Bought a bunch of stamps. Thought it would be fun to make homemade cards and stamp stuff. It really wasn't my thing.

I also can't forget about the time I decided to explore my musical talents. I love music. I used to play the clarinet in high school. So naturally, I thought with all this extra time on my hands, I would be able to teach myself how to play guitar.

I am pretty good at pretending that I am rocking out!

After months of not being able to figure out the correct way to strum, some really sore fingers, and constant complaints about my boobs getting in the way, I gave up and moved on to Piano. (I am happy to say I am having a more positive experience with this one, and have almost figured out how to play Fur Elise!)

This year - it is gardening.

I have no idea how to garden. In fact, looking at my record, I have probably killed more plants than I have been able to grow. I once treated a hanging strawberry plant with Raid to get rid of the ants. The ants no longer bothered my plant... we didn't get strawberries either.

So this year I am going to prove my black thumb wrong. On a positive note, I got my kids to keep checking on it for me! Out of the four of us, we should at least come up with one thing that is edible.

The kids are so excited. They can't wait
for stuff to start growing!

Music Monday: Leader of the Pack

My husband and I don't have similar tastes in music.

But there is one thing that can be said for sure about my music selection, there is a little bit of everything on it for everyone. Just not everything for everyone to like unless you are me. Chances are good, one of the songs will surprise you! Some of them may even take you back a little.

What can I say, my music taste is eclectic!

So this weekend, we decided to take some big action on the house that I have been neglecting. It might be because I have been busy writing. It could be because I am constantly getting distracted from that damn Misplaced Alaskan! Not blaming... just stating the facts.

So, I decided to do my cleaning to some grooving music. My music of course.

I need a smaller house... and less kids!

We were rocking it out and my husband was even pleasantly surprised that I had some "good" songs on my Ipod. Well at least according to him! I personally think they are all good. He might disagree when The Barbie Girl song comes on. (Yet I know he secretly jams to that when no one is looking!)

So here we are, enjoying a little hard work and elbow grease when a song comes on. It was an oldie but a goodie.

And he looked at me and said, "Really?"

"Yes, really! Why not?"

"This song?"

"What's wrong with this song?"

"Doesn't it make you always want to go like this?" He said, putting his hands up and revving the engine of his imaginary bike.

Man, just because I like oldies doesn't mean I am weird.

However, please enjoy today's Music Monday selection from
The Shangri-Las - Leader of the Pack!

How to Make A Zombie Fall In Love With You

If you are the everyday, average and normal person, you probably wouldn't be asking this question.

However, you are not. I know this because you have gotten here by some means. That can only tell me a few things...either you are here because you like me and you will read anything I write... or you are not the normal, everyday average person... you are a zombie enthusiast.

It is ok to be a zombie enthusiast. I am one too and I know several others who are the same way. Believe me, you are not alone.

However, zombies are not made of the same material us humans are made out of. After all, they are the undead. Therefore, when it comes to getting zombies to fall in love with you, you are going to have to change your pick-up techniques.

So, if you would like your weekend date to be that of the undead, I am here to help you. With these few tips, you will have that Undead Wedding before you know it!

There is no reason to let the relationship
die after you say "I Do"... particularly if it
was already dead in the dating phase!

1. You got to have brains!

That is right. If you want a zombie to fall in love with you, you need to have brains. Any zombie enthusiast knows that is what a real zombie craves. So no more going out and acting like you don't know anything. If you want a zombie to fall in love with you, you are going to need to prove it.

You can start by saying something smart... like "E equals MC squared!" I bet that will get them swooning!

2. Fat is the new Skinny!

Do you think zombies are interested in skeletons? Wrong. Why would they be? They are hungry for human flesh. Therefore, the best way to attract a zombie is to actually have some meat on your bones! The more you have the better because it will keep them with you for a much longer time.... while they keep munching and munching and munching....

And on a positive note, you no longer have to worry about that workout. Most zombies don't move that fast. So if you are in shape, chances are good you will leave them in your trail of dust. 

Now how are you supposed to attract a zombie if they can't even keep you in their sights?

3. Feed them a Romantic Dinner!

Zombies have an appetite for flesh, but I bet what you didn't realize is that there favorite thing to eat is the brain. The reason is because it makes them feel just a touch more alive then they do when they are walking around rotting like every other corpse. So if you want to treat your zombie honey right, and ensure that they will fall in love with you, you need to feed them a romantic dinner of your ex-significant other's brains. Chances are likely your former lover will have some good memories of you stored in their brain providing a delectable menu for the undead lover.

And on a positive note, if your  relationship is failing anyway, now you won't have to worry about a nasty break up or divorce papers. You can just feed them to your new love and move on with your life!

Set the scene for romance. Granted, they probably aren't
interested in the wine. But that just means there is
more for you!

4. Speak to them in Terms the can understand

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to get your point across and having it misunderstood. Communication is the key. So, if you really want to impress your zombie lover, you need to start conversing with them in a way that can't be misinterpreted.

So get with the program and give it your best grunt and groan and growl. You zombie will appreciate the effort you have made!

Communication doesn't need to be
hard. Impress your zombie
with your grunts and groans. 

5. Get a Gift That Will Keep Your Undead by Your Side

Nothing is worse than finding the love of your life and finding them suddenly dead... and I am not talking normal undead... I am talking really dead. Every zombie enthusiast knows that to kill a zombie, you need to kill the brain. But would you really want to see the brains of the person you loved splattered all over the wall? Didn't think so. To protect your Zombie in Shining Armor - get them a helmet and protect that brain. They will be groaning thank you until the end of your days!

Can you imagine the romance ahead of you, knowing
you can dance the night away with your undead lover!

After you have followed these short and simple steps, you should have no problems snagging the zombie of your dreams. And who knows, before you can even start the honeymoon, you might be rotting along side them groaning in a language only they can truly understand.

No one ever said loving a zombie was smart... but with a few sacrifices, you can have a life you have only dreamed of. 

Note: No bath salts were sniffed in the process of writing this article. Alternately, zombies don't really exist in this world, at least that we know of. Any reference to persons real or fake is purely coincidental. If zombies really did exist, I promise no zombies would have been hurt in the making of this article. After all, this post is about love. What sick person would try to hurt the person they love? And most importantly, if you haven't learned anything important from this yet, make sure you wait at least 30 minutes after you eat before swimming, brush your teeth everyday, and tell your parents you love them. 

And if you liked this, feel free to share on Facebook, Twitter or Google+... I would really appreciate it and so will all those other zombie enthusiasts out there! :)