Saturday, September 13, 2014

Killing the Muse Inside

Thinking. Sometimes we think to much!
There is so many things going on inside my head right now. It is making me just want to scream and show the world how truly crazy I really am. Yet, I have killed my muse, and for very good reason I must add.

We have all heard of the saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

That is partially why I choose to remain quiet. I have things on my mind, but I can't say them. I need to keep my opinions to myself. These thoughts and ramblings are boiling over in my mind and causing some great anxiety. One of these days someone is going to ask the right question and everything that I have been holding back is going to come spilling out.

I am warning you - I am like a zit that is ready to pop!

So as I sit, I think. This is dangerous. And I started thinking about all those things that are killing my own personal muse. I am sure other writers out there might be able to relate. Or maybe I am in my own personal hell trying to keep my mouth shut.

School. School is killing me. Not just my muse, but me in general. I want to quit. I am not sure I can do it anymore. Yet, guilt is a sharper knife. If I breach the subject, I am told that the benefits far outweigh the pain I am currently going through. After all, when I am done, I will have my bachelor's degree. I will never again have to return to this hell hole of education again. I am smart enough. I can do it. If I keep saying it, I might actually believe it. The reality is I rather stab myself in the eye and twist it instead of reading these damn textbooks which only serve one purpose - to give me a nap after many nights of insomnia and nightmares. The same goes for the endless number of research papers I have to write that seems to pose no educational benefits other than seeing if you can properly write in APA format and find someone of experience to have said the words you want to say so you can quote them. School is the only place I can think of where you can't be smart enough to have your own thoughts. Cite everything and anything. Only subject matter experts can say something and not be questioned. I guess school is not for the opinionated and those who are educated by their experiences and not just on the words of those around us.

Work. This is a topic that I can't talk about. It's a digital footprint which leads directly back to me. If I say something offensive, this leads directly back to my job and my career. It makes me wonder if I can really say anything at all. I am judged, as an entire person. This person outside of work is not necessarily the same one that is at work. Maybe it is better to just know one and not both of these individuals. The work me is nothing like the me you might see here ready to lose her shit. As I was sitting at a meeting the other day, I realized that while I follow policy and rules, when they are brought up I like to question them. It is the devil's advocate in me. The reality is a business is a business. If they were a person with feelings, those feelings would interfere with the major thing that will make a business successful - money. It's nothing personal, but for me, I like to question why. If I were to question it, well, the consequences might not be very good.

Life. My therapist told me that if I ever felt my anxiety building up, to think of a place that I could go to in my head. That is supposed to calm me down and make me feel better. I have this place. I call it Serenity Beach. It doesn't work. Maybe it is because my brain wiring is all jacked up. I have a million thoughts going through my head all at once and so my peaceful place is being interwoven with my idiosyncrasies which make me who I am. They don't work nicely together. I have a million things floating around in my head right now... most of which I can't say out in polite society.

The reality is, these three factors are killing my muse. The funny thing is, I have never been so amped up to talk in my entire life. I just feel like I have a gag order on the line right now. Therefore... it is just best sometimes to stay silent and let the voices in my head do all the talking.

Virtual Mirror