Killing the Muse Inside

Thinking. Sometimes we think to much!

There is so many things going on inside my head right now. It is making me just want to scream and show the world how truly crazy I really am. Yet, I have killed my muse, and for very good reason I must add.

We have all heard of the saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

That is partially why I choose to remain quiet. I have things on my mind, but I can't say them. I need to keep my opinions to myself. These thoughts and ramblings are boiling over in my mind and causing some great anxiety. One of these days someone is going to ask the right question and everything that I have been holding back is going to come spilling out.

I am warning you - I am like a zit that is ready to pop!

So as I sit, I think. This is dangerous. And I started thinking about all those things that are killing my own personal muse. I am sure other writers out there might be able to relate. Or maybe I am in my own personal hell trying to keep my mouth shut.

School. School is killing me. Not just my muse, but me in general. I want to quit. I am not sure I can do it anymore. Yet, guilt is a sharper knife. If I breach the subject, I am told that the benefits far outweigh the pain I am currently going through. After all, when I am done, I will have my bachelor's degree. I will never again have to return to this hell hole of education again. I am smart enough. I can do it. If I keep saying it, I might actually believe it. The reality is I rather stab myself in the eye and twist it instead of reading these damn textbooks which only serve one purpose - to give me a nap after many nights of insomnia and nightmares. The same goes for the endless number of research papers I have to write that seems to pose no educational benefits other than seeing if you can properly write in APA format and find someone of experience to have said the words you want to say so you can quote them. School is the only place I can think of where you can't be smart enough to have your own thoughts. Cite everything and anything. Only subject matter experts can say something and not be questioned. I guess school is not for the opinionated and those who are educated by their experiences and not just on the words of those around us.

Work. This is a topic that I can't talk about. It's a digital footprint which leads directly back to me. If I say something offensive, this leads directly back to my job and my career. It makes me wonder if I can really say anything at all. I am judged, as an entire person. This person outside of work is not necessarily the same one that is at work. Maybe it is better to just know one and not both of these individuals. The work me is nothing like the me you might see here ready to lose her shit. As I was sitting at a meeting the other day, I realized that while I follow policy and rules, when they are brought up I like to question them. It is the devil's advocate in me. The reality is a business is a business. If they were a person with feelings, those feelings would interfere with the major thing that will make a business successful - money. It's nothing personal, but for me, I like to question why. If I were to question it, well, the consequences might not be very good.

Life. My therapist told me that if I ever felt my anxiety building up, to think of a place that I could go to in my head. That is supposed to calm me down and make me feel better. I have this place. I call it Serenity Beach. It doesn't work. Maybe it is because my brain wiring is all jacked up. I have a million thoughts going through my head all at once and so my peaceful place is being interwoven with my idiosyncrasies which make me who I am. They don't work nicely together. I have a million things floating around in my head right now... most of which I can't say out in polite society.

The reality is, these three factors are killing my muse. The funny thing is, I have never been so amped up to talk in my entire life. I just feel like I have a gag order on the line right now. Therefore... it is just best sometimes to stay silent and let the voices in my head do all the talking.

Hello...

I thought I would stop by and say hi.

I know, it has been a while. Sometimes I even wondered if anybody missed me. But I have a good excuse as to why I haven't been around. It's a darn good excuse.

I wrote a book!

Let me tell you, it was hard work. I spent hours staring at the computer editing until my eyes went blurry. There were days when I would wear the same clothes... just so the laundry didn't pile up. I don't remember the last logical conversation I had with my husband, my kids might be figments of my imagination, and soon it might no longer be an undiagnosed mad woman state, since I have nearly lost my mind!

I am sure it will be worth it in the end. Actually, I am not sure, I know it will be! After all, my book is published and available for anybody to read. Hope you take the chance to check it out by clicking here.

So what's next?

That is the big question I have as well. I fear I might actually have too much time on my hands that I don't know what to do with myself.

Naw... that will never happen. I have kids and summer is just around the corner.

Sadly, time will always be short because I like to stay busy. But now that I have cleared off a really big task, I will have more time for my family, my schoolwork, and my chores. I will be back to blogging and catching up with my fellow bloggers as well.

Ok - so who am I kidding. I am already working on my next book! This one is going to be about zombies. No worries though - I haven't put myself under a strict deadline yet!

Brain Drain: Online Education Does NOT Equal Easy

Many of you (ok - maybe only my imaginary friends) may have been wondering where I have been hiding lately.

Truth is, I haven't been hiding. I have been right in front of you this whole time. However, I have recently decided to go back to school to get my degree, and let me tell you, it is exhausting work.

As if I wasn't busy before. Now, not only do I still have all my wifely and motherly duties, and my nearly impossible deadline set to have my book Mother's Day to be published May 12, 2013. (Yes - I know - publishing a book called Mother's Day on Mother's Day. I couldn't resist!), I have added a "fast-paced, no hold backs" online course to my full plate.

I have often times heard many people describe online courses as easy. Being that this isn't the first time I have taken an online course, I already knew what I was getting into. But when you are actually doing it, you forget how much time is actually used up by the sheer amount of reading, researching, and writing you must do. In fact, online courses are actually harder because you need to be more accountable for your work, and even teaching yourself.

I know finishing my degree is the right thing to do. I only wish I would have started it sooner, so I didn't have to waste some of my valuable Veteran's Benefits that will expire before I get a chance to completely exhaust them. But in the end, I know finishing my schooling will be the right thing for me.

Getting back into the swing of things has been difficult. It is the first class I have taken in several years. I am not used to studying, I am not used to writing thesis statements, and I certainly not used to those exciting textbooks with 300 pages worth of material to memorize.

When your brain seems drained,
even those tasks that often seemed
simple become difficult, like writing
a blog post.

I have been falling behind in my blogging, I have been falling behind in my online networking, I have just fallen behind.

So, if you have been wondering where I've been lately, I am still around. But I have found between my book and schooling and family, most of my time has been sucked up. Not to mention, after all the mental tasks I have had to do lately, my brain is drained.

Even writing this blog post was difficult!

Just know, I will be back and I will be smarter. Ok - maybe just more sarcastic due to being tired. But hey - at least that means I've gotten something out of school.

School Paperwork has Sucked Out My Brains

This morning had an interesting start.

I woke up to my son screaming because he wanted a drink... in the middle of the night... ok, so it was actually morning... 3 a.m. to be exact.

I figured this would happen. After all, he played so hard yesterday he fell asleep at dinner.

All that running around just wore him out!

After I had gone downstairs to fill his cup up with juice, I dragged my behind back up the stairs. The hallway was illuminated with nightlights and I could hear whimpering from the bedroom.

Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see this rodent run in front of me and across the room.

FUCK!!! Don't tell me I have a mouse!

That was, of course, my first thought. After all, our hamster had already escaped once and we had been enforcing the "Stay Away From The Cage" Policy. Not to mention I was half asleep so I wasn't really think. But after almost squishing this little rodent, I was wide awake.

Houdini.... errrr... Buddy the Hamster, is a
friendly little guy. He just sometimes likes
to come out at night to explore.

I checked the cage and Houdini...er... Buddy the Hamster... had indeed escape. I grabbed his bag of food, hoping that if I shook it, he would come out wanting food. Nope - he was a smart hamster! He knew he was being cornered and he knew he was being trapped.

I caught him before we had to deal with any sad, crying kids. However, by this time, my son decided he was wide awake and he wanted to watch a movie. Why not - after Hamster Hunting it wasn't like I was going to have much luck falling asleep.

So I got up... and I decided to start laundry, iron my husband's work clothes, make the kids lunches. It was a productive day to say the least. At least before 8 a.m.

This afternoon I went to go fill out the rest of my paperwork for going back to school. As if I wasn't tired enough. Whatever remaining energy I had, just went out the window. I feel as if my brains have been sucked out.

Now how the hell is this school thing going to work if I lost my brain?