Things I think about while I am running!

Today I decided that I was going to go for a run.... on my treadmill. I had to get this treadmill last spring when we got our taxes. It has been getting lonely. As I was running, I realized there are many things that go through my head while I am running on my treadmill. It isn't nearly as peaceful as running outdoors when you are preoccupied with nature. It's actually a really mundane task and with music blasting in the background, I need to find something to preoccupy my thoughts otherwise I am going to quit. I have never been fond of running, but it is something I do because I find some sort of solace in it.

So here are my thoughts... in no particular order because like most of my thoughts, they are mostly random things that pop up in my head.

1. This has got to be better than my original plan... which was to run to the store and buy an entire pumpkin pie and eat the whole thing before anybody even knew I bought it. It is Thanksgiving week after all and I have been obsessing over pumpkin pie for nearly a week now. However, I also know that I will be making pies in a couple of days. Those I will share. So stop obsessing over the pumpkin pie and just run already. You will fulfill your craving soon enough. Oh yeah, and you should also go for a run Thanksgiving morning so you can eat until your miserable... because who doesn't love a holiday that celebrates all things you are grateful for while practicing gluttony.

2. How many steps do I have now.... really.... it hasn't even hit 5,000. I must have been running for at least 20 minutes already. Nope, its only been 2 minutes.

3. Why did I buy this treadmill. I hate running on treadmills!

4. If I run faster it will be done faster. Nevermind... I am not really running for miles I am running for time.

5. Wait! Did I actually state to myself how long I was going to run before I got on this treadmill.

6. I kind of feel like doing a kickboxing workout. Should I get off the treadmill and do that instead?

7. I remember that one time that I actively wrote in my blog. What happened to that? Do I have nothing to say or is it just that things I have to say I think no one would care about. Is my blog so dead that no one will even stop by and look at it cause they aren't used to something being posted? I miss writing.

8. I can't believe that I am finally done with school. I have my bachelor's degree for communication now, however I don't feel any different than I did before. Now I just have more time to take naps.

9. I should read a book. Like a trashy romance novel or some chick drama crap. A fast read because I don't want to have to worry about too much of a commitment.

10. Remember how you didn't entirely commit to Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month where you write 50,000 words in one month with complete abandon) and because you didn't commit but thought maybe you should you started but never really kept up with that? You suck! But not really cause not everybody has the ability to write a book. You should get back to that.

11. Why did I sign up for another half-marathon?

12. You should run faster... click click click.... too fast... click click click... turn it down a little. Too slow. Too fast. Too slow. Too fast. Too slow. Crap! Well, this is just really good interval training.

13. Christmas is just around the corner. I probably should start thinking about that!

14. This song would make a great song for karoake. I should make a personal karoake CD so I can practice because who wants to make a complete fool of themselves?

15. How many steps am I at so far? I should probably run until I hit 10,000 so I can be lazy for the rest of the day.

16. When am I ever going to make updating my Ipod play list a priority. Seriously, who runs to some of these songs?

17. Spiderman keeps staring at me. This is why I run outdoors usually.

18. I wonder how much of a hassle it will be to get a new card for my gym membership since I lost my key chain card. I want to go sit in the hot tub.

19. If I slide the couch over I bet I could fit a bookcase over there. Then I might be able to finally unpack all my books that are still sitting in boxes.

20. I bet once I get off the treadmill, all the really meaningful thoughts will disappear and when I sit down to write them out, it will end up being nothing more than just crap that no one cares to read.

Killing the Muse Inside

Thinking. Sometimes we think to much!

There is so many things going on inside my head right now. It is making me just want to scream and show the world how truly crazy I really am. Yet, I have killed my muse, and for very good reason I must add.

We have all heard of the saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

That is partially why I choose to remain quiet. I have things on my mind, but I can't say them. I need to keep my opinions to myself. These thoughts and ramblings are boiling over in my mind and causing some great anxiety. One of these days someone is going to ask the right question and everything that I have been holding back is going to come spilling out.

I am warning you - I am like a zit that is ready to pop!

So as I sit, I think. This is dangerous. And I started thinking about all those things that are killing my own personal muse. I am sure other writers out there might be able to relate. Or maybe I am in my own personal hell trying to keep my mouth shut.

School. School is killing me. Not just my muse, but me in general. I want to quit. I am not sure I can do it anymore. Yet, guilt is a sharper knife. If I breach the subject, I am told that the benefits far outweigh the pain I am currently going through. After all, when I am done, I will have my bachelor's degree. I will never again have to return to this hell hole of education again. I am smart enough. I can do it. If I keep saying it, I might actually believe it. The reality is I rather stab myself in the eye and twist it instead of reading these damn textbooks which only serve one purpose - to give me a nap after many nights of insomnia and nightmares. The same goes for the endless number of research papers I have to write that seems to pose no educational benefits other than seeing if you can properly write in APA format and find someone of experience to have said the words you want to say so you can quote them. School is the only place I can think of where you can't be smart enough to have your own thoughts. Cite everything and anything. Only subject matter experts can say something and not be questioned. I guess school is not for the opinionated and those who are educated by their experiences and not just on the words of those around us.

Work. This is a topic that I can't talk about. It's a digital footprint which leads directly back to me. If I say something offensive, this leads directly back to my job and my career. It makes me wonder if I can really say anything at all. I am judged, as an entire person. This person outside of work is not necessarily the same one that is at work. Maybe it is better to just know one and not both of these individuals. The work me is nothing like the me you might see here ready to lose her shit. As I was sitting at a meeting the other day, I realized that while I follow policy and rules, when they are brought up I like to question them. It is the devil's advocate in me. The reality is a business is a business. If they were a person with feelings, those feelings would interfere with the major thing that will make a business successful - money. It's nothing personal, but for me, I like to question why. If I were to question it, well, the consequences might not be very good.

Life. My therapist told me that if I ever felt my anxiety building up, to think of a place that I could go to in my head. That is supposed to calm me down and make me feel better. I have this place. I call it Serenity Beach. It doesn't work. Maybe it is because my brain wiring is all jacked up. I have a million thoughts going through my head all at once and so my peaceful place is being interwoven with my idiosyncrasies which make me who I am. They don't work nicely together. I have a million things floating around in my head right now... most of which I can't say out in polite society.

The reality is, these three factors are killing my muse. The funny thing is, I have never been so amped up to talk in my entire life. I just feel like I have a gag order on the line right now. Therefore... it is just best sometimes to stay silent and let the voices in my head do all the talking.

The Coast is Clear....

Phew....  it's been awhile.

I just checked the last time I had actually blogged. It was last August. Being that August is just around the corner, that means it has almost been a full year since I have done this. I might be a little dusty. Yet, part of me is happy. The lack of blogging and interaction between other blogs has left this place a graveyard. Excuse me while I dust off the cobwebs. However, in return, it has also left me a place where I can speak truthfully and very few people might actually drop by to read it.

The truth can sometimes hurt. Admitting to ourselves what is wrong, can be the hardest thing we have ever done. For me, I escaped from what is normally my escape - writing. Don't get me wrong... it isn't that I haven't been writing. Instead, I have been doing a whole lot of other writing. Boring writing! Better off called school work. Hopefully, if all goes well, that will be done by next May. Yet, even with all this writing I have found that something has been missing. It has been my writing. This kind of writing. My ramblings, so to speak.

I have been thinking about my blog a lot lately. Yet, I always turn the other way. Part of the reason is because I have a lot on my mind. It's about were to start, what to expose, and who is going to find out. Sometimes I like keeping things to myself. But right now, it is killing me. Let me explain.

In February of 2013, I had reopened a claim with the Veteran's Affairs office. It was a claim I had opened previously in 2004, but had been closed. This meant I had to start over. The claim was for PTSD for MST. I can tell you what it means, but that might open a big can of worms that I am still working on. All the issues from this claim had been buried... pretty deep... and I was pretty happy. Then something happened and they all came flooding back. I hit my head - pretty hard. The doctor says there is no relation so maybe it was just coincidence. Maybe it was just time for it to resurface. If you look at the date, I have now been dealing with this for a year and a half. Still no acceptance from VA - they take forever.

Needless to say, I have sunk into a pretty severe depression. I never smiled, unless it was fake. I never laughed, unless it was forced. I was doing pretty bad. Still am. Getting out of bed was a struggle. The nightmares kept me up at night, but made it difficult to wake up in the morning. I can barely focus. If you can only imagine, this makes life with three kids pretty darn difficult. As if that wasn't hard enough, I am in school full time and last November I went back to work full time.

There is a positive and a negative to both of these situations. If I didn't have school or work, there is a good likelihood I would lock myself in my bedroom and never leave. I probably would be debilitated by this... completely... and a part of me would be ok with that. I am not even in the mood to function. But my sense of responsibility always takes over. No matter how much I want to fail the class because I can't focus on the assignments... or how much I want to skip work, not because I don't want to be there, but because I feel like I can't move... I move on. I have to. I know this.

Yet, each day it gets worse and worse. My focus is less and less. My body aches. I want to get back to my obsessive need to work out and the will to just go to the gym or even put in a yoga DVD is not there. I don't want to move. This depresses me even more. Back in 2011 I had lost a shit ton of weight. Over the last year, I have been on the steady climb up. I am back where I started. This angers me. My clothes are uncomfortable. My skin is uncomfortable. I feel like shit.

I can't pin point why I am getting so bad. I can be sitting there and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It's like I can cry on demand. Part of me wonders if it is the constant rehashing over everything. I have been in therapy, as well as working on documentation for my case. Ironic since I state that I am the "undiagnosed mad woman!" I might actually be closer to be diagnosed sooner than later. I cry daily, even if it is only one tear drop. No one knows. Last week as I was listening to the radio on the way to work, the DJ stated a survey that said 1 out of every 5 woman cry every single day. I am one of those 5, and it sickens me. I am not supposed to be a weak person. I have always prided myself on my strength. But it is gone.

When you look outside and you see the beauty of this world we live in... it is something we should breathe in deep and reveal in. The world is bigger than us and it is amazing. I struggle to accept that. I find difficulty in finding the beauty; of being able to take a deep breath; of just letting my guard down long enough to even enjoy it.

I can't do this anymore!

This morning, I went back on my medication. I hate the way medication makes me feel. You are not happy; you are just not sad. I am ok with that. The problem is I have always been forgetful when it comes to taking it. If you don't take it  regularly, it doesn't work. Who knows - maybe skipping a dose here and there can make it less effective... making it not do what it is intended to do. I didn't want to take the medication. It gives me the shakes. There is nothing more irritating the completely being unable to control your shaking hands. But here is the reality.

I can't do this anymore!

So I took that tiny white pill. My husband insisted. At first, I didn't feel any differently. Yet, as I was driving to work, I actually felt the drug kick in. I don't even really know how to describe it. My arms got kind of heavy, but in an uplifted way. I felt calmer, like my body relaxed. I finished driving to work. The same routine with the radio blasting. As I turned down the street to my final destination, I felt something I haven't felt in a while... a smile. And suddenly, I didn't feel so bad anymore.

Maybe I will be ok.

It wasn't a miracle pill. I don't feel great. I just don't feel like bawling my eyes out right now. I feel like I am a little bit more in control, at least compared to yesterday, and the day before that... and the days before that! I haven't been well for awhile now. This kills me because it seems that no one has really noticed. I guess this is my own fault. I wear a pretty tight fitting mask. Partially because I don't want to expose myself. And I push people away. So in a way, I don't let anybody see the true reality that I have become. Part of it is because I don't want to talk about it. I can't explain why I feel this way - I just do. I don't want sympathy, but in the same sense, I don't need to be judged. Telling me that I am being stupid and I just need to cheer up is the wrong answer, and frankly, it makes it worse. This is my own battle and I have to find my own weapons to fight it.

But today, I feel like a I made a good decision. I took my antidepressants. It doesn't make me weak. In fact, it probably means I am stronger because I can admit that I need help. Maybe this will help get me back to being able to do the things I enjoy in life. Maybe this is what I need to be on the road to recovery.

It must have done something. After all, look who swung by the blog and wrote.

I need a 27 hour day

Sometimes, this is how I feel!

I have been gone lately. Maybe you have noticed. It isn't that I have given up on writing, I just haven't had the time. Returning to school has taken up a big portion of my time, and when I am done, it leaves my brain in a cramped up state I can't seem to even come up with the right words to put down on the screen.

I seem to be wearing too many hats lately. I am a busy body, so it isn't like I am not used to running myself past the point of exhaustion. However, lately I have been more exhausted than usual. My therapist has stated my exhaustion is stemming from the need to control EVERYTHING. Maybe she is right.

School is just one of the many hats that I wear. I am also a wife, a mother and a taxi cab driver. With my two oldest children back in school, I have now needed to get back into a schedule. There isn't an available bus system, and since my oldest daughter has moved into middle school, it also means I have to get all the kids up and ready and in the car to drive her across the city. It's only 3 miles and it takes about 30 minutes out of my morning. I am not really complaining. It is minor.

I am also attempting to work on my second book. By attempting, I more or less mean I have been actively thinking about it. I haven't had the time to work on it. I will happily say I seemed to have thought of an awesome plot twist. However, my excitement still hasn't provided the drive to actually write it yet.

I have also wanted to take more time to work on my blog. But every single time I think about writing a blog, I can't seem to find anything I want to write about. I want it to be passionate. Yet, I find myself filled with so much anger lately that I don't want to pass on my negativity to others. That leaves for many blank pages.

I have been told I need to relax. To maybe even lose control a little bit. Sadly though, I don't think that is part of my personality. I am being pulled into so many directions I am not even sure I am capable of accomplishing one thing. I feel responsible for the state of my house, for my homework, for my lack of being able to keep up with other writer's in my network. I have yet to set up what I needed to so I can actively promote my book. I published a book, but being unable to actively get it in the hands of the readers, I feel like I have failed.

To make matters even more complicated, I am attempting to get back to the healthy state I was in before all the medication complicated things. A couple years back, I lost 40 pounds. I was damn proud of myself. I worked hard and the hard work paid off. The medication had one very miserable side effect... it could cause weight gain. Suddenly, I find myself bloating back into my former self and can do nothing to stop it. No amount of exercise and no amount of healthy eating seems to combat the medication's effects. So I stopped taking them, but I still can't get back on track.

I have been told to ignore the numbers on the scale. Honestly, while seeing a good number on the scale is always nice, I don't care about the numbers. The problem is in my clothing... or the lack of clothing. In the process of gaining the weight back, my body has reshaped. Even my fat clothes don't fit right. I feel like I have a turtle neck of fat around my neck that is slowly choking me to death.

Ironically, I know the problem. I will never be able to get back to were I was and were I want to be until I stop stressing. But for someone who has always lived in the fast lane, how do you do that?

They say give up some of the tasks that I deem as "needed" to get done. They said to delegate some of the stressors to someone else. But how is that fair? I can't give away all my duties to sit on the couch eating bon bons while watching soap operas. Not to mention, that won't get me back on track health-wise either.

Yet, this is what I am confronted with: Making the decision of what I need to give up so I can stop stressing about everything. Or maybe, I can just get a 27 hour day.

Music Monday: Let's Get Physical

It's been awhile since I did a Music Monday. What can I say - I have been busy and I have had way too much stuff going on.

However, I have to get this ear worm out otherwise it will continue to bug me! Therefore, this week I decided to highlight Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical" video.

Sorry for the torture, but I have a good reason.

Most people who know me, know that I am obsessed with working out. Lately, I have been slacking. It could be the medication I was prescribed. It made me very lethargic and drained every little bit of energy out of me. It sucked.

Well, over the last two months, the medicine took it's final toll on me and I gave it up. I know my body better than anybody else does and frankly, I didn't think the medication was worth the side effects. It caused me to put on close to 30 pounds.

To me, this is not only scary but downright depressing. I could actually watch the pounds crawl on. I could see my skin stretch and I could feel my clothes no longer fitting me right. Yet, it didn't matter because even if I tried to combat the problem, it didn't work.

Back in 2011, I lost 45 pounds. I have done it before and now it is time to do it again. It is time to get strict and it is time to get picky. I want to feel comfortable in my body again. So I started P90X again. I will probably be complaining about how sore I am, but it is going to be well worth it. After all, I know this program is what gave me results last time. And if I have to use this blog as a resource to stay accountable, so be it. I need to get into shape... preferable something other than round.

Welcome back Crazy Workout Lady!

I am starting the zombie apocalypse!

I just can't seem to win!

I am sick again. It seems like I have the worse immune system ever. It all started out with an allergic reaction. I have never been allergic to anything before... yet last month it started... small and itchy.

Last week it spread. 

I never learn though. I can't leave things alone. So I messed with it. I itched it. (Because it felt good. And when things itch, you scratch!)

What did I end up with... a face that looks like I was wearing glasses and got punched in the face!

I accessorized
to distract people from my face!

Don't worry. I won't show you because I don't want to scare you! Luckily it has stayed on one side of my face, so I could easily get a mask like the Phantom of the Opera.

So as if I wasn't miserable enough... then I got a cold. It started off small. A little scratchiness in my throat.

Then my voice disappeared. (No applauding - I don't talk that much!)

My noise started running. (I would run too if I had the opportunity!)

My sinuses are clogged and if I take a deep breath I seem to launch into a coughing fit!

This morning when I woke my face had scabbed over where the allergic reaction was and it was leaking, my eyes were watery and crusted shut, and I couldn't stop coughing. I felt miserable and what should be getting better each day, isn't even close to improving. (I only share this disgusting description so you too can share in my misery and feel sorry for me!)

That means there is only one logical conclusion.

The zombie apocalypse has started...              and it started with me!

Go BIG or Go Home!

I have a problem...

I usually get something set in my head and I want to do it. The problem is, I can't and won't start out small. I have to go all the way. I have to make an investment. If I don't have everything I want, I won't be a success.

I did this once with sewing. Got all the Dummy manuals, got the tomato looking pin cushion. I even asked and got a real live sewing machine for Christmas one year (which is, by the way, sitting in the box - only been used a few select times, most of which ended up being a jammed up mess!) I spent more than 100 dollars on patterns and fabrics and really cool specialty scissors.

The obsession to be the next best seamstress and make awesome homemade clothes didn't last long. Soon I moved on to crocheting... That didn't last long either but I did make a rather frumpy looking scarf once.

I also did the same think with crafts. Bought all the supplies to make my own jewelry. I intended on wearing it and selling it. Instead, I gave most of it away and threw the rest in the box were they continue to get into a tangled mess. Bought a bunch of stamps. Thought it would be fun to make homemade cards and stamp stuff. It really wasn't my thing.

I also can't forget about the time I decided to explore my musical talents. I love music. I used to play the clarinet in high school. So naturally, I thought with all this extra time on my hands, I would be able to teach myself how to play guitar.

I am pretty good at pretending that I am rocking out!

After months of not being able to figure out the correct way to strum, some really sore fingers, and constant complaints about my boobs getting in the way, I gave up and moved on to Piano. (I am happy to say I am having a more positive experience with this one, and have almost figured out how to play Fur Elise!)

This year - it is gardening.

I have no idea how to garden. In fact, looking at my record, I have probably killed more plants than I have been able to grow. I once treated a hanging strawberry plant with Raid to get rid of the ants. The ants no longer bothered my plant... we didn't get strawberries either.

So this year I am going to prove my black thumb wrong. On a positive note, I got my kids to keep checking on it for me! Out of the four of us, we should at least come up with one thing that is edible.

The kids are so excited. They can't wait
for stuff to start growing!

Finding my Brand

Writing a book was the easy part....

Never thought I would say that in my life. After what seemed like forever, I finally hit the "Approve" button and my book was out in the big, wide, evil, cruel world for review.

Ok - it was no longer for review. It was up for grabs for anybody who was curious enough to spend a few hours reading it and a few bucks buying it... but that also meant it was up for critique. People could love it - or they could hate it!

What would people say?

I was so nervous....

Sure, we all have people who will never fail to buy what ever you write regardless of how bad it is or how good it is. It is the strangers we have to be careful of. We need to wrap our hearts and our minds with a Teflon coating so we don't get burned.

And that was when I ran into a wall.....

I was so excited to have finally hit publish. I knew I wasn't going to become an instant millionaire... and probably maybe not even a best selling author... at least yet. What I wasn't aware of, was how hard it would be to actually get someone to buy my book.

A few short lonely books later, I was wondering where were the critiques? The people slamming me under the bus because they hated it. Where was the love? The people who told everybody about it until they were blue in the face.

I guess that means you have to sell some books.

Now don't get me wrong. This is not a pity party. I have already sold a handful of books and the people who have invested the time in it to read Mother's Day, can't seem to put it down. So it must be good. At least that is what I am getting from the feedback.

The problem is, I need to brand it. I need to make people want to buy the book. I need them to realize they can't live another day without purchasing my book. I need to find a way to convince them there is something in it for them.

Frankly, how the hell do I do that?

If you would like a copy of Mother's Day, the book I completed for Nanowrimo, click here for the paperback. If you would like the Kindle version, click here.

Wordless Wednesday: Cool in the Pool

It has not been cool lately. In fact, it is creeping dangerously close to the triple digits. We aren't even out of May yet....

Yes... I am well aware that it is Southern California. I am also well aware that it is a dry heat. However, so is an oven and you don't see me sticking my head in there.

Needless to say... I am looking forward to putting the pool up this coming weekend!

Help! I can't swim!!!

If you would like to participate in Wordless Wednesday, check out my friend Cyndi at Pictimilitude for submission guidelines.

My Phone Call With Google

Google and I have been fighting.

I have been working out. Google better watch out!
I am ready for them!

I have never fought like this with Google before, in fact, I would rather stay on good terms with them. After all, Google is kind of like the parent and I, as a blogger, am like the child. Whatever Google says goes and I am stuck with their decision.

So - you are probably wondering what went happened?

Well, at the end of March, I woke up to the nastygram saying there was invalid activity going on with my account.

WTF!!!!

I was nearly in shock. I thought I was going to cry. And then I remember, I don't really care because my writing is about my writing, not necessarily the money I make from my blog. So if you are wondering why I have been absent lately, it has nothing to do with my Google Adsense ban.

Anyway, I have tried to be nice and calm about the situation, appealing to the Google Gods. Only, it doesn't matter what I say or do, I just get a canned message back.

Do they think I am stupid??

If you message me back within 4 hours, I can pretty much guess you did nothing to evaluate my account.

This of course went on through the course of several different appeals. I know they say one shot is all you have, but I like to be annoying. So, what does it take for me to sit down and write them a letter every single day until I get some attention. Not a whole lot of time, in comparison of where I could waste it elsewhere. (Do you notice how much I update Facebook?)

Well, I got sick of remembering to write to them, and I got sick of trying to reword the facts so it sounds like I am coming up with new evidence. However, I don't have any new evidence. I don't know what might have caused them to see invalid activity.

Good-bye spare change. I probably
won't get to spend you anymore.

This is what I do know though. At the beginning of March, I started to actively promote my blog. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of spam comments coming in. I turned on Captcha to deter the
spam. My traffic tanked. Right after I did that, Google took away my account.

Days later, I found out my writings have been being copied on other websites. So yeah - how happy does that make me? I can't make money off of my stuff, but other people can copy it and at least make money. Google frowns at duplicate content.

However, it doesn't matter how much I study the stats, I can't seem to find anything that jumps out as unusual.

And Google... well they are equivalent to a parent saying... "Because I said so."

They are a bully. That is really what it comes down to. If any of the small guys start making money, they quickly do an update to change those numbers. If people click on your ads, even though the ads are matched toward what they should be interested in, Google will call you out for fraud. Why - because God forbid if the advertisers have to actually pay for their advertising!

So as a small fish in a big ocean, I am the little guy, barely making pennies, and they choose me to lay down their wrath. So while I actually care very little about the money, I have this problem of wanting to know.

So right now, I am sitting on the phone, calling Google. I waited on hold for 30 minutes before accidentally hanging up the first time. The second time....

If I knew this was going to be such an exciting
date, I might have gotten up and tried to
look presentable. 

.... well, I have already been on hold for an hour and a half.

What can I say... I don't give up easily!

Brain Drain: Online Education Does NOT Equal Easy

Many of you (ok - maybe only my imaginary friends) may have been wondering where I have been hiding lately.

Truth is, I haven't been hiding. I have been right in front of you this whole time. However, I have recently decided to go back to school to get my degree, and let me tell you, it is exhausting work.

As if I wasn't busy before. Now, not only do I still have all my wifely and motherly duties, and my nearly impossible deadline set to have my book Mother's Day to be published May 12, 2013. (Yes - I know - publishing a book called Mother's Day on Mother's Day. I couldn't resist!), I have added a "fast-paced, no hold backs" online course to my full plate.

I have often times heard many people describe online courses as easy. Being that this isn't the first time I have taken an online course, I already knew what I was getting into. But when you are actually doing it, you forget how much time is actually used up by the sheer amount of reading, researching, and writing you must do. In fact, online courses are actually harder because you need to be more accountable for your work, and even teaching yourself.

I know finishing my degree is the right thing to do. I only wish I would have started it sooner, so I didn't have to waste some of my valuable Veteran's Benefits that will expire before I get a chance to completely exhaust them. But in the end, I know finishing my schooling will be the right thing for me.

Getting back into the swing of things has been difficult. It is the first class I have taken in several years. I am not used to studying, I am not used to writing thesis statements, and I certainly not used to those exciting textbooks with 300 pages worth of material to memorize.

When your brain seems drained,
even those tasks that often seemed
simple become difficult, like writing
a blog post.

I have been falling behind in my blogging, I have been falling behind in my online networking, I have just fallen behind.

So, if you have been wondering where I've been lately, I am still around. But I have found between my book and schooling and family, most of my time has been sucked up. Not to mention, after all the mental tasks I have had to do lately, my brain is drained.

Even writing this blog post was difficult!

Just know, I will be back and I will be smarter. Ok - maybe just more sarcastic due to being tired. But hey - at least that means I've gotten something out of school.

Words Mean Everything

As many of you may already know, I have been working hard (or hardly working) on my book that I have planned to release to people everywhere on May 12, 2013. On top of that, I have also returned to school... mainly because I want to make it sound like I am smart on my author page. (No one said it had to be a good reason!)

Needless to say, I realized I was coming up on crunch time. Between my book, my blog, and my school work, I knew I needed to get cracking.

So yesterday, I decided to open my book again to make edits from the suggestions of my beta readers. It is a tedious process. I feel like I am looking at a million computer screens and trying to condense them into one valid document.

Working between a printed copy and a
computer copy is enough to make anyone
want to take a nap!

Ok - it really isn't that bad. But I do have to keep looking from hard copy to laptop. Pain in the butt.

And it's a daunting task. It might even be more daunting then writing the damn book. After all, I didn't know how far I was going until I got there. Now, as I sit on page 35... I noticed there is still 378 pages left.

That number 413 keeps flashing at me. 

Once I got into the swing of things, it wasn't really all that bad. And the reality is, I only need to do 22 pages a day to be ready for the final read through on May 1st!

But meanwhile, it can't be all work and no play. That is when I started to realize how funny it is to look back at my work with a fresh pair of eyes. After all, when it comes to your own work sometimes it can be hard to pick out things that are just wrong.

In this case... I realized that my main character likes to run around commando, sans undies, freebuffing, going regimental.... although it wasn't really my intention.

The reality is, when you are writing, you need to describe everything. In this case, I would describe her as finishing up her shower and throwing on a pair of pants. Most people would assume she is wearing her undergarments, but I can't assume here. So, I have to read it like it is. She doesn't wear underwear.

I don't know about you... but I think my main character would be a lot more comfy in her undies!

My Epic Blog Post

I really wanted to write something epic today for my blog.

Here is the problem though. I am kind of a perfectionist. My parents are going to be here tomorrow and it doesn't matter how clean my house is, I can still find more to clean.

So that is what I have been doing all day. Yet, I still feel this urge to write an epic blog post, so even though I am running short on time here goes nothing...

EPIC

Yep, that is my blog post for the day. Hope you enjoyed it and it inspired you! And if you didn't, here is a picture of me trying to get you with my black sticky hands of goo!

Roar!!!

Captcha - I am Not a Robot

Blogging is a lot of work!

As if it wasn't hard enough coming up with something to write each and every single time, then you have to add in Search Engine Optimization (so you can be found), and then you have to put in some pretty pictures (originals work best!) and then you have to actually write something worth reading.

If you weren't already exhausted, and if time is on your side, you should aslo try and make an appearance and comment on all the other wonderful and your favorite bloggers out there!

Yesterday I was pretty excited. I looked at my blogger stats and I have hit my highest views ever! I was particularly excited because I have had a lot of personal stuff going on lately so I have been focusing mostly on my blog posts and hoping that my lack of reading didn't effect my traffic too much. I wanted to know that people stopped by because they liked what I wrote, not because I commented on their post.

I was doing a happy dance. I was thinking.... "Wow - people like me!"

And then I realized my blogger stats just don't add up to my Google Analytics stats. Depression hits! And it wasn't just a couple numbers off, it was by 100s.

As I cried myself to sleep last night, rolling back and forth in the fetal position, I had to come to a very drastic and life altering decision. What was I going to do about this misleading type readings? Was I going to let the numbers rule my mood?

Admit it! As a blogger sometimes you are ruled
by the numbers!

A lot of the difference in numbers is probably because of the overwhelming amount of spam I have been receiving on my blog lately. Not only has it been filling up my email inbox, but it is also looking weird to those who comment after a spam comment which made no sense!

Well, I didn't want to play that game anymore. I wanted to see more accurate results. So, I turned my Captcha back on. Therefore my true readers will show through and the spammers will not get a free backlink!

Anybody who knows me knows how much Captcha irritates me. I hate it. As a human I barely understand what the heck they are writing in that irritating box just to prove I am not a robot. Sometimes it takes me several attempts to figure out the doctorlike handwriting. I sit there screaming at my computer screen...

I AM NOT A ROBOT!!

And now, after the constant bitching about other people leaving their Captcha on, I have decided to put mine  back on. Just temporarily. In the next month or so, I plan on buying my own domain. I am currently researching it. And then I will install a plug-in that will allow comments without all the hassle, but also without all the spam.

So I hope this doesn't discourage you from leaving a comment. I promise, I will try to write something epic. Something powerful. You know - just so you feel the need to leave a comment because my words have moved you in ways you have never been moved before.

Or maybe I will just continue to be sarcastic and snarky and inspirational and witty and irritating and whiney... meh what do I know. My numbers don't seem to be showing me shit anyway!

Blogging For Freedom

I wasn't going to post today. It wasn't because I didn't feel like it, it was because I had a lot of tasks that needed my attention.

The dreaded laundry room!

Laundry needed to be finished and put away; I needed to run to the store (I actually mean it - since I don't have a car, my only option is to take the hike!); I needed to make dinner for a group of people tonight; I needed to make dessert (Ok - not need - that one was a want!); I needed to discuss ideas with my dad for their vacation to Southern California; I needed to pick the kids of from school; I did a couple haircuts; I needed to shower; I should have cleaned the kitchen; I should have cleaned the hamster cage; and there is probably a whole lot of should have's that I still didn't get too!

I don't consider blogging a "Should Have" or a "Need." Blogging is my freedom. It is one of the few ways I find I can sort the things out inside my crazy head. I do it because I want to, not because I need to.

Technically I could have skipped today. It wouldn't have mattered. I wonder if anybody would have noticed if I didn't show up to work. I usually don't blog on weekends unless I really have something on my mind. That is my break... and by the time Monday comes around, I am completely crazy from the lack of writing.

I blog purely for the joy of blogging. It is my mental release. Would it be nice if I could consider it a career?

Yes and No

Yes because that would mean I was making a good income and I could support my family off something I just love doing. Or maybe I could bring in enough to take these amazing adventures all over the world.

Wouldn't you love to explore a cave during an epic adventure.

And No because once I start considering this blog a job, I am going to start stressing and suddenly it is going to be all work and no longer a hobby.

Besides, if you think about it, it is already a J.O.B.... if you consider that Just Over Broke!

I don't want to have to stress over my blog. I don't want to have to worry about who is coming and who is going. I am going to do this blog on my terms. That is just how I roll. Although I really appreciate those who keep coming back!

So if you like crazy, come along for the ride. And now... I must go, my husband is calling.

We are so busy around here!

Hope everyone has a great and amazing weekend!

Wordless Wednesday: Money

Did you ever hear the phrase that "Money Can't Buy Your Happiness?"

It really can't buy happiness but with today's increasingly cost of living, it sure as hell helps to make you a little happier.

When I sit down and think about money, I get disgusted. There is never enough to go around. It doesn't help that we live in California where the cost of living is ridiculous, the gas prices skyrocket for piss poor reasons and you have no choice but to commute to work to make living affordable.

The other day I was looking at plane tickets. I really want to go back to Wisconsin this summer, but I just don't see how that is possible anymore. With all the car issues we had earlier in the year, and the grocery bill nearly doubling as the cost of food raises, and gas (well don't get me started), plane tickets seem to be out of reach. I have yet to justify spending $300 per person for a weekend.

I would love to be able to go home. My budget doesn't nearly support my dreams of traveling. It doesn't support my want of a hot date out on the town all the time. And it surely doesn't pay for a maid that will clean and organize my house so I could spend my extra time writing!

On the other hand.... I have an amazing family. My kids never fail to say something that will make me laugh. My husband is never short on showing me how much he loves me. And those I am fortunate enough to call friends have filled my heart with riches that can never be spent. They are memories to be hoarded inside my heart to keep going when times get rough.

Now if only love would pay my electric bill this summer when it gets hot and the AC is turned on!

Who wouldn't love to have a handful of 100
dollar bills in their hand?

If you would like to participate in Wordless (or Wordy, since I obviously failed at the Wordless part this week!), check out my dear friend Cyndi over at Pictimilitude for ways to submit.

What Do You Mean My Kid Has No Talent?

I hate politics?

It doesn't matter if we are talking about nitty-gritty government politics or just social politics.

The school out here is having a talent show. I don't remember when I was in grade school if we did talent shows. If we did, I never applied. I was to embarrassed to actually admit I had a talent others would find interesting.

I have yet to find the talent that I can actually stand up on stage and do. (For those who remembered my awesome performance mimicking Rick from The Walking Dead, I stay away from acting because I need to avoid future concussions!)

Singing makes me nervous. I have two left feet. And I certainly can't read poetry the way Mike Myers did on "So I Married an Ax Murderer."

Personally, I think anybody who gets up to try out is brave and therefore somewhat talented. Unfortunately, the rules of the talent show kind of stink and to me it just doesn't make sense.

Last year my daughter was in softball. They never kept track of the score. Why? Because they didn't want the kids to feel bad if they didn't win. So even though the kids knew, there was no determined winner or loser by the time the game ended. It was because the adults didn't want to discourage them from getting better and from trying. It was a way to let them experience all positions without feeling bad if they, well, to put it bluntly, sucked!

Hey Batter Batter... SWING!
My daughter is the one in green!

But the same rules did not apply for the talent show. In fact, they could just downright tell your kid they sucked. You were required to try out and show off your best talent. But if the judges didn't like it, you didn't make it.

Well, one of my kids made it... the other did not.

It leaves me wondering... what is the difference between softball and talent shows?

Admit it, you want to see that talent!

The kids trying out for the talent show are at the oldest, in fifth grade. Isn't that a little too young for them to be told they are not talented, hence why they didn't make it in the talent show?

Now I understand if a kid thinks they can go up on stage and pick out a big juicy booger and say "Treasure Finding" is their talent.

First off, I bet almost every kid has that talent... and secondly, no one really wants to see that.

But what about those that want to go up and sing. What if they ALL want to sing? If they don't impress the judges they don't get through. But what if that is all they feel comfortable doing? Maybe this is them trying to break out of their skin and do something they are uncomfortable with?

I know my children are talented and I don't need a talent show to tell me that. They are both so talented in so many ways. They can both sing, they are both learning the piano, they are both smart. They both look at the world through a different set of eyes. But they are still young and they are still developing those talents.

My daughter practicing on the piano while we were getting ready to
go on vacation.

This could very clearly be evidenced by the choir and band concerts kids put on in the early years. Sure, everybody tries to put on their proudest face when the recorders start squawking and the band is all playing a different version of Hot Cross Buns and the choir is so quiet you can't even hear the song to begin with. But we all have to start somewhere!

I just hope in a world where it is ok not to keep score in baseball, but telling a kid they are not talented enough for a school Talent Show, doesn't keep these kids from trying and exceeding to the best of their ability.

After all, we are the ones building the kids up to the future. And if we break them down and make them think they aren't good enough, what kind of future are we making? I also understand not all kids can participate in everything, but there has to be a better way.

I would much rather bring a pair of ear plugs as I smile and encourage that child to keep trying then to go ahead and tell them they weren't good enough to begin with!

Writers Are Crazy

I know, I know... it is like calling the kettle black.

For only a dollar, you can make every night a Redbox Night!

Oh the irony of the Undiagnosed Mad Woman to be claiming that writers are crazy. Just think about it for a minute.

***

Yesterday, I got a text message to save a few pennies on Redbox. So naturally, since I needed to go to Walmart to find some toasted marshmallows, it was the perfect scenario to pick up a movie while I was there.

We made it a Redbox night.

As I was browsing through the movies without my husband's assistance (my husband is the movie buff. He knows every actor and what they have played in even in their previous lives! I can identify Brad Pitt!), I decided to pick out a scary movie.

Who is that guy??
Oh I know - That is Brad Pitt!

Surprisingly, this is a pretty hoping Redbox location and everyone must have gotten a coupon because there wasn't much of a selection - that I was interested in anyway. So, since my husband is always begging to watch these scary movies and I usually prefer romantic comedy, I finally decided to get a horror movie of his dreams.

Maybe that was a bad decision. I recognized the name of the movie... and I could have sworn my husband said he wanted to watch it. So, with delight, I handed him my Redbox copy of Sinister.

Ok, so some people probably think I am whining like a baby. It scared the CRAP out of me. Not to mention, I have never seen my husband so... disturbed by a movie. Yet, I wouldn't let him shut it off. I was already invested and now I wanted to know what happened.

So last night, after some anxiety meds were taken, we went to bed with the lights on. And this morning I woke up with one very strong thought...

WRITERS ARE CRAZY!

Doesn't this picture say crazy writer?

I think it is a necessary state of mind really. You want to come up with an idea that captivates people; that throws them off the trail; that makes them feel something... anything... whether it is good or bad! I think every writer is a little crazy, just maybe they don't openly admit it. But they have a talent to take something and twist it to the point where you can't turn away.

So after the movie yesterday, I had to wonder, "How did this writer come up with this idea?" Was this something that stemmed from a childhood nightmare? Is this something stemmed for real life situations? I don't know. I don't think I am crazy and twisted enough to come up with something so twisted.

Then again... after reading 50 Shades of Grey I started wondering the same thing about the sanity of writers?

We are all crazy as writers... I guess it is just the level and plane of crazy we are willing to explore and expose!

The Angry Bird They Never Talk About

It is a privilege for me here at Ramblings of an Undiagnosed Mad Woman to introduced another fellow blogger and crazy person to my audience, Terrye over at The Adventures of a Misplaced Alaskan. Today she has taken over my blog. Tomorrow she might take over the world. To guarantee your safety, you might want to check out her blog (after you are finished here of course) and give her some loving. She promised she wouldn't "BAAAAA" at anyone if I sent them her way!

Every family has at least one that no one dares talk or even think about. Some of them have spent years in the dankest jail and when they get out, they are continued to be shunned by their very embarrassed family. 

Others are just a little too weird for polite society and are locked away in the basement or attic when company comes over to keep the wackos from drooling on traumatized guests. Only to be allowed to roam on special occasions like Halloween and Stacy’s birthday.

Only on Halloween and my birthday
 are the Crazies allowed to come
out and play.

Who are they? 

The notorious black sheep of the family. Even the Angry Birds have a one they never, ever talk about. But I’m going to introduce you to the bane of the Angry Birds family. 

Meet Chartreuse Bird. And he is one bad hombre! What has Chartreuse Bird (CB) done that is so heinous and God awful that the mere mention of his name sends Bomb Bird to implode and Red Bird to start quacking like a duck?

Introducing CB. He may look cute and innocent,
 but believe he is not

Well, rumor has it that a number of years ago, CB was vacationing in the faraway lands of Great Britain. While he was taking in the glorious sights of romantic castles, the stunning White Cliffs of Dover, and lifting a pint or twelve, he was introduced to the local custom of sheep molestation using goat intestines as condoms. What else is there to do in the small town of Goat Nutsack, England?

He became so obsessed with mistreating the local soft and fluffy livestock that the local authorities had to take immediate action. The sheep were offended at being violated while sleep deprived humans lay there trying to count them hurdling fallen logs. The goats were appalled that their trusted farmhands let slip the ancient secret and that their numbers were quickly being decimated. After all, it’s usually customary to remove the intestines from the goat before crafting a condom, unless you’re a little slow and the goat is more than willing to act as your surrogate. Something had to be done about CB; he was neither slow nor allowing anyone to step in for him.

Nothing says loving more than a sheep in sexy clothing.

Notices were placed in the papers and plastered on sides of buildings, begging for a savior or at least someone ballsy enough to step forth and end the evil scourge let loose upon the land by CB. Hefty rewards were offered. When no one came forth, the rewards were doubled and then tripled to no avail. The frightened farm animals cowered and waited. And waited and cowered. Then cowered and waited some more. Eventually, there were so few goats left that they were taken away in unmarked cattle haulers and placed into the ultra-secret Goat Protective and Dry-cleaning Service.

There's no crying in beer!
No really, it makes it taste bad!

With all the goats safely relocated, the sheep soon discovered to their amazement, that they were no longer being mistreated while entertaining lonely insomniacs. The ewes and rams alike let out a collective sigh of relief. Life slowly returned to normal for the sheep. The farmhands, however, spent more time in the local pubs, crying into their ale, singing songs of mourning for their missing goat friends, and retelling the horrors of the now infamous Chartreuse and very Horny Bird.

Foreigners on holiday in the lovely town of Goat Nutsack might balk at the tall tales of a crazed and Angry Bird occasionally spotted performing random acts of bestiality upon hapless quadrupeds. But the locals are quick to whip out volumes and volumes of photographic, if not p0rnographic evidence. Many a tourist has lost their lunch when presented with the overwhelming and stomach churning proof.

Some believe that CB eventually returned to his home with the rest of the Angry Birds to wreck havoc upon the snarky, smiling green pigs. Others believe that CB is actually hiding among the pigs and that’s the incident that originally sparked the hostility between birds and pigs.  The Angry Birds wish to punish CB for his indiscretions while the pigs, being piggish, chortle and steal eggs.

No one outside of the Angry Birds is privy to what incited the greatest feud since the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s. And if anyone does know, they aren’t talking. They are probably scared to death that CB will show up on their doorstep late one night with a bawling goat tucked under his arm and a smarmy smile on his bright yellowish green lips, holding a sheep costume in their size.

Now there is only one last thing to say, after reading about this controversial topic brought to you by Terrye over at The Misplaced Alaskan.... Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow... when I resume my normal blog of crazy!

Writing a Book: B is for Beta Readers

How many times have you heard someone say, "I want to write a book."

Probably a lot of times. It seems to be on everybody's bucket list whether they call themselves a writer or not. It just seems to be in our nature as humans to want to tell a story.

Yet, out of all those people who want to write a book, how many of them actually accomplish it?

Well I have!

It hasn't been released to the general public yet, but it will. In fact, I plan on releasing it on Mother's Day 2013 if all goes as planned. I am so excited yet so scared at the same time.

I first started writing this book 3 years ago. But it wasn't flowing. It wasn't even called Mother's Day like it is now. But I had the thought in my head and I was going to do it. But it wasn't going. I had almost 100 pages down and it still wasn't going anywhere.

You see, the main characters had a child and frankly, this was an imaginary life and I was sick of getting a babysitter for this fake child. It is hard enough to find one for your real kids. So I scraped the book and decided the kid had to go. After all, even though the kid wasn't real, I needed to be a responsible parent for my fake kid.

I already have three kids. The last thing I need to do
is stress about finding a babysitter for a fake one!

So I quit!

Yet it has always kind of been in the back of my mind. I have always wanted to pick it up and make it work. But I didn't know how to do it. And that is when a bunch of writers started talking about NaNoWriMo. I thought it was impossible. Finish a book in 30 days. I had already tried to write a book and I couldn't do it in 3 years. How could I finish one in a month.

So with the idea in my head, I started over. 

Not everybody that starts finishes. It is a difficult
task. Yet I pushed through. I don't know if I could
have done it without the push.

And I finished. I was a NaNoWriMo winner coming in at roughly 81,000 words. Not only did I complete the task, I surpassed the task. And it isn't even the same book I was trying to write before. It took a whole new direction. It's better. And it is definitely something I am proud of.

When I was finished, it was a relief yet a disappointment. I didn't know what to do next. Sure, it needed to be edited but I was so involved with writing for the entire month, it was like the crash at the end of an accident. So I put it aside and let it sit for a bit.

I finally picked it back up. It was time to edit. Now one of the hardest tasks any writer can do is edit there own work. The story is inside them so sometimes it is as if they see words that are there but not really. It is nice to have a separate set of eyes to look at your work.

This is were Beta Readers come in. They are basically the second ones to view my book. And with their help, I hope to catch a few grammatical errors that I missed, timeline issues. or anything that just generally didn't come across right.

Let me tell you, it is nerve-wracking to wait it out. I handed out the book to someone else the first time on March 1st. They have until April 1st to get back to me.

This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It just goes to show, writers need to grow thicker skin. I feel so vulnerable.

It isn't like I haven't had my name in print before. I was a photojournalist for the Army. My name was in print every single week. It has also been in print in some magazines. I have also won a few Journalism awards as well. I know I can write. But this is an entirely different.

Writing a book is a BIG task.

And I feel more vulnerable. Not to mention my Beta Readers have, for the most part, been pretty quiet. I have heard some feedback, but not a whole lot. It makes me wonder.

• Did they start it yet?
• Are they liking it?
• Can they not get through it?
• Do I have so many errors they are struggling?

It is hard not to question. It is hard to wait. A big part of me doesn't want to know their thoughts until they finish. The other part of me wants to shake the information out of them.

I want reassurance. I want to know they enjoyed it. I want to know that it is good enough! I want their constructive criticism. I want to know that I invoked an emotional response from them. I want them to laugh and I want them to cry.

Yet in the end, I know this whole book is on my shoulders. It will be published. It is one of the advantages of going the self published route. It also allows me to not sacrifice my style. I don't have to change anything about my book unless it is a suggestion I feel comfortable with.

As is, I know I love my book. I think there are a few errors, but even if I were to hit publish on it right now, it wouldn't be anything I would be ashamed of. After all, writing a book is a hard feat. So many want to do it, and how many of them actually have?

Well, I did. 

For writing inspiration, check out
https://www.facebook.com/iwanttowriteabook